how to find it

Dear Upa,

                 For the first time in a long time, I’ve had nothing to do. 

Even after my boards got over I spent almost an entire month outside my house with something to do, but for the past ten days, I’ve spent all my time locked up inside my room by myself (with Buddy accompanying me during the day), and it should have driven me insane. Should.

But I love it. I love having nothing to do. I love learning things I’ve wanted to learn for so long now. I love waking up whenever I want to. I love getting eight hours of sleep, I love not crying myself to sleep, I love the peace and quiet and I love not procrastinating because I have nothing to do.

The thing about having nothing to do is that you tend to think. A lot. 

I think about the drastic change in the way I think and in the way I behaved with everyone before and after my results. I think about how things aren’t going very well for everyone and I think about what I can do to try and make them smile. I think about what I should start studying and what I could write. I think a lot about the future and where it might lead. I think about how in the world I found myself in a place where my dream coming true is an actual possibility. I think about what this feeling is, because it’s really hard to describe.

People around me are still unhappy with problems that neither of us have the capacity to solve, and that is upsetting. The future is still uncertain and that’s how it’s always going to be. There is so much wrong, but I don’t feel like it’s as overpowering anymore. 

My parents are proud of me. And I was lying in bed with nothing to do thinking about what I might be feeling when I think I might have figured it out. And luckily for me, it’s something that doesn’t need to be described, just felt.

For the first time in a long time, I think I’m actually happy.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to Plan Your Entire H*cking Life

dear aditi,

For the last week, I had kinda lost my way. Not that anything really bad happened, but it felt like everything was falling apart. The problem was, I didn't know what to complain about because there was nothing eventful happening that made me feel that way. Probably that was the reason, nothing was happening and I couldn't even go out because I had to prepare for an exam which doesn't require preparation. The logic was here is quite beyond me.

Anyway, I made a friend today. But that's not what I wanted to write about. Before the test she asked me what I wanted to do in design, and I just shrugged and replied whatever I get, I guess. 'I don't have a plan' is what I said. That was a complete lie. I don't have a plan??? I've had a plan since I was in 8th grade and made my first proper sketchbook out of this notebook which I got as a return gift from a birthday. It wasn't even a sketchbook, it had fucking lines on it for god's sake! And the drawings, they were mostly copies. Actually I'm pretty sure all of them were copies of fanartist's work. But goddammit that shitty sketchbook meant the world to me, because for the first time in my life I was doing some sort of art which I actually liked. Everything before that was either because I had seen my mother do something or Shilpa Miss was grading us for it.

It was that sketchbook that started two things. Firstly, the whole fandom thing. Secondly, drawing about things I'm passionate about. Which at the time were fictional boys, so not the most inspirational but also not really surprising. Atleast now I have leveled up to real boys. And sometimes girls. The most recent development has been drawing everything naked, because I think the human form is very pretty, also more importantly it is my cope out from not drawing clothes. Clothes are difficult.

So during the test, I properly concentrated and finished the project on time without giving two fucks about everyone around me and what I made I was happy with, happy with in term that I only had 2 hours to make it. Finally during clean up I look around and the first thing that goes through my mind is that people didn't complete it and then I was like I think mine looks better. I didn't really think that for very long though cause I started talking to the people and the way they talked about their work, as though it's the best fucking thing ever and I was like shit maybe I'm not the best. Not that it matter, I went out to eat and forgot about it. I mean I didn't really care for the exam to begin with, the only people who care are my parents.

And then I realised, I don't care what my parents want. I never have, I don't see the point of starting now. I have wanted to do illustration since a long fucking time and now when it's so close to me I cannot stop. I've been selfish all my life, and it's worked out for me pretty well. I mean alive, so I consider that a win.

I feel like I should have probably written about a morally right way of figuring the things out and how doing what I love keeps me sane, but I figured I need to be selfish to do what I love even if I might be poor or dead because of it.

Love,
Upa.