how to find it

Dear Upa,

                 For the first time in a long time, I’ve had nothing to do. 

Even after my boards got over I spent almost an entire month outside my house with something to do, but for the past ten days, I’ve spent all my time locked up inside my room by myself (with Buddy accompanying me during the day), and it should have driven me insane. Should.

But I love it. I love having nothing to do. I love learning things I’ve wanted to learn for so long now. I love waking up whenever I want to. I love getting eight hours of sleep, I love not crying myself to sleep, I love the peace and quiet and I love not procrastinating because I have nothing to do.

The thing about having nothing to do is that you tend to think. A lot. 

I think about the drastic change in the way I think and in the way I behaved with everyone before and after my results. I think about how things aren’t going very well for everyone and I think about what I can do to try and make them smile. I think about what I should start studying and what I could write. I think a lot about the future and where it might lead. I think about how in the world I found myself in a place where my dream coming true is an actual possibility. I think about what this feeling is, because it’s really hard to describe.

People around me are still unhappy with problems that neither of us have the capacity to solve, and that is upsetting. The future is still uncertain and that’s how it’s always going to be. There is so much wrong, but I don’t feel like it’s as overpowering anymore. 

My parents are proud of me. And I was lying in bed with nothing to do thinking about what I might be feeling when I think I might have figured it out. And luckily for me, it’s something that doesn’t need to be described, just felt.

For the first time in a long time, I think I’m actually happy.

Bye for now,

Aditi.