How to be the Best that no one ever was

Dear Aditi,

   I wrote a blog post last year on your birthday. I'm doing the same again. I'll assume you have already read the card I gave you before reading this. If not, probably open it.

Now that you are disappointed and maybe confused. I tried to write something emotional and moving. But I'm not Namjoon.  I tried to write anything, but then I found myself ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), a lot.

I have come to the conclusion that you are the problem. You are so important to me that my very badly written words will never be enough. Nevertheless, I'll try my best.

Last year I wrote that you are reason we all haven't drifted apart. And although we did kinda drift apart this year, you are still the common link between all of us.

It saddens me how far we've drifted apart, and a lot of it I feel like is my fault. I'm sorry. I should talk more often. But you've managed to keep connected, idk how. But well done. You Da best.

Speaking of, you really are the best. Like oh my god you mean so much to me. Like you are my best friend and the one I would dedicated the masterpiece song, Spring Day to you.

Aditi Spicy Piri Chicken Nuggets Shymal Majumdar Topper, I love you. I love you so much. I wish I was better with words, or like being witty  but I don't think I have the capacity to do that. With you or being drunk. Oh yeah, I'm drunk. I didn't mean to be drunk by the way. Oops.

It's okay, this year has been pretty darn lit for you. For one you became an alcoholic, that's character development. And you grew up to be like a human I adore and envy all at the same time. That is a compliment, I swear.

Basically you have become this person who is quite incredible. You are growing into a fine young woman keke. I don't mean to sound like a mom, but I can't help it. You're a good one.

Happy Birthday! You aren't that old chill. If you aren't old enough to be a CEO, you aren't that old. Even if you act like an old man mostly of the time, you are also a smol child. Reminds me of someone I know.

Love.
Upa.

how to December

Dear Upa,

it’s been a while lmao

Okay, okay. So this year was a pretty… disappointing situation for our blog. How I felt logging in to blogger is probably how Kookie feels every time he reinstalls Twitter on his phone, and that's when you know it's bad. I’m not sure why it was like this, but I’m never sure, all I know is that I really don’t want it to be like this next year. I hope that's what you want as well. Let’s work harder in 2018!

I’m not going to try to talk about everything that’s happened since I last wrote, mostly because I literally have no idea. That was back in… August. In short, almost everything right now is the opposite of what it was back then, and let’s leave it at that.

Let’s talk about December. I’m so happy!!! It’s the best time of the year!! And now that exams in college happen in December, it’s even more of an excuse to have fun and be useless for the rest of the month. Seriously, December is like a reward for surviving the rest of the 11 months, everything is so happy and pretty and calm, I’m soft.

I mean wow, BTS won two daesangs, killed everyone with their performances, the Wings final concert almost killed me, my babies are doing so well and they make me cry so much jkbefvjber bless them

Also my exams happened LOL but I had only like two half-breakdowns which I think is a record, look at me becoming a better version of myself i’m so proud bless me

(please god of gpas be kind to me)

Everything is so beautifully lit up and Christmassy! Taejin’s birthday!! My nose is cold! Candles! No studying! Hobi on the BTS calendar! Christmas socks! Christmas songs! Cookies! Cooky! Kookie! Friends! Family! Dogs! BTS! I love! December! So! Much!

oh and ofc my birthday’s coming soon, which I really don’t want to think about because it reminds me of the inevitable passage of time and about how I’m just getting older and older. I feel like I just turned 16, this is a scam, where is the time flying Im old enough to get married i dont want to get married mom

and um… yeah

I’ll stop writing this like it’s a shit post. Is it too late to do that? Probably. Here I go.

This year too we see the Christmas tree. Streets everywhere are bright in celebrations. For me today too and tomorrow it’s Christmas day. Beautiful lights welcoming us. The flowers in my hand fragance overflowing. Getting to see your pretty smile again. It’s getting me fluttery.

With you, shawty with you. With you, shawty with you. With you, beautiful christmas day~~

no what those arent the lyrics to jikooks christmas day I don't know what ur talking about shhhHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh

Okay honestly I wanted to put up something well written and meaningful. I swear. I’m not sure what happened, I think I’m too excited.

Anyway, I’m so glad December exists. 

December is like a pat on the head that says, “You’ve worked hard. You did well.” No matter how good or shitty a year has been, December’s always full of happy memories. No matter how much you’ve struggled, or how wonderful or tough this year has been, it deserves to be celebrated. We made it to December. Look at how far we’ve all come, I’m so proud. We deserve December. 

You’ve worked hard. You did well.

Bye for now, 

Aditi.

how to home

Dear Aditi,

I'm in college. Like real college, not the fake junior college thing I did for two years. No, this is college college where there are deadlines, and stories and memories that are made for a lifetime. Or in my case memories that are made for a day, and then I forget cause I have the memory of a goldfish.

When I had had the idea for our blog, it was because I assumed we would get busy and would have to have a reason to communicate, but I actually got really free in the last two years- so it kind of became a ranting about feelings place. Which is not a problem, not at all. That's an important thing to do.

But now I'm busy, you are busy and we barely talk so I guess I should use this blog for it's initial intended purpose.

Let's talk about my friends. I don't have that many, I never do but I smile at everyone. It's funny because they assume they know me and have forgotten. That is fun. But I have a handful of them, and a few enemies although they don't know that we are enemies.

First is Vaish. She is the one I'm closest with. Very insane. Quite opinionated, but we share the same ones so that's alright. She is extremely savage, but she is sweet through actions and that is great. She also makes food, and is tidy and is ready to be my roommate next year, because who wouldn't want to be my roommate, I'm such a delight???

Then are my roommates, Akru and Aishwarya. Both of them are a year older than me and basically I have become the baby in our room. Some because of my age, a bit because apparently I sleep adorably which I don't get how because I drool in my sleep. Most of it is because I can't take care of myself. Although they aren't like mom level because they don't really bother me about the emotional stuff or like my weird screaming when I'm frustrated and the bring friends to sleep with me on my bed. Honestly, I got quite lucky with these roommate. They are good. I like good.

Now about my neighbours. There are 3 of them who live in the room opposite to ours. All three of them have a stash of matri, hence they are the matri room. In that room they speak more marathi than I have heard all of life living in Mumbai. One of the three actually really dislikes me, because I spend the majority of my time in that room. It's just homely and nice.

Then we can go to the kids in the brothel room. I have not named that room the brothel, they did that themselves and it's quite and accurate description because all the unsanskaari things happen in that room. The two of them however has the most aesthetic room in the entire hostel, maybe because they are such aesthetic people in general.

The only one around my rooms who is also in my class is Krishna. At the beginning I was intimidated by her, because she is smart and cool and also doesn't really smile at anyone except her friends. But she is extremely close to my roommate so we just ended up being really close. We get eachother's dark sense of humour and willingness to die at all times. Also we both keep complaining about how this education system is all a farce while completing our work on time. It's a concept.

There are a couple of other people around college who I talk to including a few seniors, and they all are incredibly cool and stuff. But I don't think I know enough about them to write more than a sentence.

The hostel is supposed to be my home, which is strange because my actual home never felt like one. Somewhere mid 2016, I think, my home became a house. A shelter and a good wifi connection, I guess. I was okay with that for a while until I started making our friends' house into homes. More accurately making them my home. And then I left.

Upasana.

how to not let them down

Dear Upa,

Recently, I think I've unintentionally been spending a lot of time thinking about what kind of person I want to be. And I know that probably sounds a little random, but like most things in life, I'm pretty sure it stemmed from BTS. 

So, the thing is, I love BTS. They've been with me through the scariest and the only truly eventful years of my life, and while I agree that a part of it is probably shallow fangirling over how attractive and talented these boys are, I can't help but insist there is so much beyond that. 

Obviously, they're more talented, hardworking and successful than I'll ever be, so I never really understood why I found them so relatable. And this isn't the "omg same" Relatable™ we all feel when Yoongi chooses sleep over interacting with humans, it's the kind of "omg same" relatable when they bare themselves in front of us and tell us how they've been feeling internally. 

They're living their dream, but they're never constantly happy. I don't know them, I only know what they show us. But I know that they didn't start off where they are. They did things like locking themselves in the bathroom and crying or wondering what the future holds for them, and despite that, they didn't stop. 

They give me hope and make me feel like I'm not alone. They make me want to be better and aim for things I wouldn't think of aiming for. They make me realise what working hard means. Maybe, personally, that's why I'm so attached to them. They are the one constant thing to fall back on when things get too much, and I know that could sound ridiculous, but I also know you know what I mean. 

I wonder how they lived like that, when the future was so uncertain, and I wonder how they kept themselves working hard. 

I think that one day, that's the kind of person I want to be. 

Even if it means waking up at 5 or spending 12 hours in college, being constantly stressed out or trying to manage double the amount of work my classmates are, I want to keep pushing myself. 

Someday, I want to be the kind of person who works their hardest at whatever they do. I want to keep trying to be better because god knows there's a lot of scope. 

I don't know if that's how I'll become happy, but it doesn't matter, because happiness is quite impermanent. 

But I know that for now, being that kind of person, a person who does their best at whatever they do, is going to be one step towards maybe someday learning how to love myself. 

I can't afford to let BTS down. 

Bye for now, 

Aditi. 

how to adjust

Dear Aditi,

I have been living this hostel life for 2 weeks now. And I'm used to it. I don't love it, but I'm okay with it. The funny thing is, my house, the one in Mumbai. The one where I live, I have forgotten so easily.

I'm not the type to get homesick. I never do. And I thought it's just the duration or something, but no I'm actually pretty okay not being home. Of course I'm not okay being away from my friends and roads through which I can navigate on my own and I am counting day till I can comeback.

But I have gotten used to sleeping in this bed, and sharing my room with people who used to be stranger 2 weeks back. It's not like I still know them very well or anything but I'm comfortable in their presence, and honestly that's good enough. I have gotten used to the hell like routine, and the strange diet of momos and paratha I am on. I'm used to the people I meet every morning and night, though they are almost the same set of people.

I'm not sad anymore, well I don't really have the time to be sad but I think even if I did have the time I wouldn't be as sad as I used to be. And that is progress.

Now on to more important things than my drastic lifestyle change. It's BTS' new concept. Love yourself. I feel like I needed that now more than ever, surrounded by so many pretty (and unfortunately straight) girls, it's hard to see yourself as well... good enough. And maybe I'm not good enough, not yet. But being around people who are better than me atleast gives me some motivation to improve and like be the best I possibly can, maybe after finishing all my assignments though.

Love,
Upa.

How to Wait

Dear Upa,

I'm sick and it's been a while since I wrote a poem

Weight

There is power in a dog's paw. It's a power so fundamental, where you won't notice it at first, but it's there.
Mouth open, tongue hanging, you're covered in a layer of dirt
but if there's one thing I've learnt,
it's that your paw on my knee stands for something.
It stands for faith. You know I leave everyday and it's something you hate.
I can see it in the way the fireflies that live in your eyes die a little, but always, you wait.
You wait for me to come back, and it's like a birthday. Your tail is wagging again and your tongue is hanging again and no matter how much my shoulders are sagging again, suddenly, when the fireflies that live in your eyes come back to life, I do too.
It's true. There's power in the way you sit next to me and put your head on my knee. It stands for love,
so pure and unfiltered that the sun above
on a warm summer day would be jealous.
There's power in the way you try to fit two balls in your mouth, and both start dripping with saliva. It's not fun, almost tripping over strewn toys on the ground but the way the fireflies in your eyes dance when I pretend to throw the ball but don't, it's worth the chance.
Sometimes, you fall asleep in my lap. You're curled up and content,
and I can't think of an evening better spent than one with you kicking me while you dream.
You're a dream. There's no other way to describe the way you make me feel, the way my heart screams when you look at me and your tail begins to wag.
It's really hard not to brag
about the fact that it's clear I'm your favourite. You're a dream, and I never want to wake up.
I don't know how someone abandoned you, how someone voluntarily gave you up. If I could, I'd keep you in my arms, with your head hanging over my shoulder like a baby. Then maybe, just maybe I could pretend for a moment that you have the happy life you deserve. That the world wasn't so mean, that you didn't move from shelter to shelter with so much love in your heart for humans, the very people who didn't have it in their heart to love you like you should have been.
There's power in the way you chased those squirrels, and I just ran with you, dazed. It was as if you didn't know what giving up meant. The way you ate everything you got your paw on, and sent
the grass flying when you decided to roll in it.
You were half Dalmatian, black and white,
but you filled my world with colour
and I hope the fireflies in your eyes still light
up for someone else.
There was power in your paw. I didn't notice it at first, but it was there. And now you aren't.
Mouth open, tongue hanging, maybe you're covered in dirt in some other corner of the city, and all I can say
is that I hope you're happy.
I hope I get to see you some day.
If I close my eyes and try to imagine it, I can feel your paw on my knee and see the fireflies in your eyes.
I hate it, just like you did.
But always; I'll wait.



my eyes are sweating

Bye for now,
Aditi

how to hold on

Dear Aditi, 

I spent this week moving two cities. Going from one college to another, and though they both share the same name, they couldn’t be more different. For starters, it’s the type of students. For a fashion college, Chennai really had a minority of students who put effort into their daily appearance but here in Bangalore it seems like appearance is number one priority. 

In many ways, Bangalore feels like AVM to me. It’s just the type of people are so judgemental and brutal- but after bitching about them for a good half an hour, they always end with but they are nice. As though calling them nice will just negate the fact that they don’t like them. AVM was exactly like this, and so is my college now. It’s not like I’m not used to such people, because even though it’s cut throat- they are nice. 

Then comes my introverted self, who needs to be away from people to like really relax. And that doesn’t happen when you live in a hostel and share all your time with other people. The only time I can really be alone is when I’m asleep. But being asleep means not being able to complete my assignments. And assignments for one is like the most important thing we have to live for. That and having a high rank. 

I’m not sure how I will manage the two of those, because it’s the first week and I’m already struggling to keep up with everything going around me. And there is so much drawing, like I love drawing but when you are forced to do anything you love it doesn’t remain fun anymore. 

But although this college is kicking me in the ass, it’s actually pretty nice. I mean, I do genuinely enjoy what I am studying and I want to pay attention in class. And the few people I have managed to make friends with seem endlessly fascinating. 

I’m also in one of the top fashion institutes in the country, and I feel like that in itself is a decent enough achievement, because after all this I have been told that atleast I won’t end up poor. I mean, I have gone astray from my dreams in life only because my family kept insisting how I won’t have a job after all this. And I listened to them and I am studying about textiles instead of animation, in a field I really don’t care much for. But I’m hanging on. I’m still here. 

Love, 

upa. 

how to???

Dear Upa,

so um,,,,,,

a lot happened.

1. my dream came true????

Hernando from Sense8 had said, “There's nothing more frightening than having a dream come true,” and Paulo Coelho had said, “It is the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting,” and I had said, “pati gayu.”

Because seriously, while I didn’t exactly expect the world to be a complete magical fairytale after I achieved something I’d been working for for over a year and wanted since god knows when, I don’t think I’m sure what I exactly expected. Like??? Now what??? I’m here, and now I need to actually do something about it. Is life seriously telling me that having a mental breakdown every single day to get into college was going to lead to having a mental breakdown every single day in college? Because it’s getting a little ridiculous now.

I mean see, I know I panic too much. I’m too ambitious for my own good, and not even in a sensible way. College is more wonderful than I ever imagined and I’m losing it because my brain hates me, so even I don’t know whether to be ecstatic or depressed. 

I’m just going to take Jae’s advice and never have a dream again. It’s horrifying, because I never thought I’d get this far and now I have no idea what I’m doing. Now I’m going to set goals, and I’m going to try my best to achieve them. Like BTS had said, “No more dream.”

(screw u and ur dismissive attitude toward classics like no more dream jin ur not a tru army if you slander your roots like this get rekt) (i lov u)

also im so weak for my classmate she was singing today and i was like,,, wow im so whipped save me

also im the crazy dog lady ppl who’ve spoken to me like once send me dog memes should i be worried about my branding 

2. you moved!

 Since you left, I figured you will have to make friends. I mean I am great and all, but other friends are important. Now, I am no expert in making friends. But I am pretty decent in making an impression on people. Whether it's bad or good, that really depends on the other person (it’s usually bad).

But see, I don’t think you need advice from me on how to make friends. You’ve got this. I’m a mess and I’ll only make things worse, I’m so strange I complimented 3 people today because everyone is so wonderful like a girl was talking to me and i was like “you hAVE RLLY  PRETTY EYES DID U KNOW” I’m not sure why people want to talk to me other than CR related work I feel so grateful like i have nothing to offer u other than nervous stammering u charitable angel thank u for speaking to me

…..but anyway,,,, you’ve got this. Just be yourself. Moving away is so hard, hands down one of the saddest and toughest parts of my life, but you’re way stronger than I am and you’re in college, where everyone is looking for a good friend. You’ll be fiiiine. 

You might feel homesick. Even if someone doesn’t give a damn about their city when they live there, we become super passionate when we leave, and Mumbai is quite addicting. It’s hard to find cities that match up to it (although I’ve heard only good things about Bangalore, other than like the traffic.) Please don’t feel pressured to open up to people immediately, you tend to do that a lot. It’ll happen when it happens, and it will happen. 

Relax. Try to eat and sleep on time. Buy a dustbin. I promise, it gets better. It’s probably super uncomfortable right now and it’s okay if you’re worried about it. It’s human. It’s also okay to smile if you’re worried, so don’t forget to smile and really mean it. 

Bangalore just got really lucky.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

how to be pawsitive

Dear Upa,

I like dogs more than I like humans. That’s not exactly a secret. 

I’ve been spending time with dogs at an animal shelter recently and was sitting in the grass with one of my closest friends, Lump, a gorgeous golden Labrador. She was looking at me with her beautiful big eyes and her paw on my knee and I felt like at that moment, we were both teaching each other something.            

I’ve never understood people. 

I’m this wonderfully made, rare mix of just the right amount of shy, awkward and introverted to result in me being the socially inept mess that I am, and for the most part, I’ve learned to live with it. 

I just don’t get people. They’re so infuriatingly complicated and emotional. Some problems don’t have solutions, and those I completely understand needing help for. I definitely do. 

But a lot of humans just hate seeing things logically, and I don’t understand that. For me, so far, it’s always been a “suck it up and deal with it” situation. Like, what is the point of crying over spilt milk instead of cleaning it up and pouring yourself another glass? Humans are just downright annoying, unnecessary, rude, and say hurtful things for literally no reason at all.

And I know I’m super insensitive, and it’s because I simply don’t understand humans. I don’t like interacting with anyone for too long and hate initiating conversations with strangers.

But dogs. 

For as long back as I can remember, I’ve loved them. Maybe it’s the way I was brought up, maybe it’s because of my family, but I can’t point out a single reason as to why it’s like that. It just is.

Dogs make sense. They are the only thing I’ve come across in my life that give me pure, unadulterated joy with no conditions attached. I’m the happiest I can be around them and the more time I spend with them at the shelter, the more I find myself falling in love with dogs. 

Where do I even begin? We seriously don’t deserve dogs. I don’t think I can even fathom the number of times I’ve had my heart melt at the shelter. What creature can love so unconditionally? Every paw put on my knee asking for attention, every time one of them climbs into my lap and falls asleep, every time they start rolling in the grass just because they can, every bark, every merciless tug on the chain leash which makes me feel like I’m going to have to get my hands amputated, every gentle, loving look with their eyes wide and their ears pushed back forcing me to stroke their head, every mud-print of a paw on my t-shirt, and every time I’ve fallen over in the mud because a huge Labrador wanted to rub themselves on me, fill me with the kind of joy I’ve never felt before.

But there are a lot of things about dogs that I don’t understand either. I don’t understand being abandoned by a human and still finding the place in your heart to love another. I don’t understand loving a human when they couldn’t love you in the first place, and I don’t understand panting happily in the sunset when there’s so much pain all around you. I don’t understand being in the same room as a dog who has passed away and still stand strong, I don’t understand hearing loud, pained cries of other dogs around you and still keep your tail wagging. 

And when Lump was looking at me with her beautiful big eyes and her paw on my knee, I realised that I was wrong.

I wasn’t the one teaching her that some humans aren’t evil, that some of us are different from the people who were probably responsible for the huge bloody wounds across the back of her head.

She was teaching me. These dogs were teaching me that while there are people who abandon dogs on the road because they’re not a purely bred Dalmatian or because they find out their Doberman has arthritis and that’s too much of a fuss to deal with, there are also humans who have enough love in their hearts to take them in and save them. They were teaching me that for every dog that is dying or has died, there is a building full of dogs who have lived because these humans have saved them. These dogs were teaching me that life can really freaking suck and it’s still possible to be happy. 

I’m slowly learning to look at the world through Lump’s beautiful, big eyes, and I still don’t understand people, but I think that one day, I might.

I still have a lot to learn.

Bye for now,

Aditi

how to suck less

Dear Aditi,

So recently life sucks. Actually it's been sucking for a while now. And not in the good way. Have I mentioned I recently lost all my shame, because life is too short not to be a pervert. These are wise words by yours truly. Anyway, yeah so life is sucking. And it's not just for me, but I am not other people so I just know my side of the story.

I never really thought getting into a college would cause such problems. Like not getting in, yes that's bad. And when I didn't get into NID it really fucked me up. I had my English board paper the next day, which I scored 64% in. In English. A subject I'm suppose to be good in. So yeah, that was a thing that happened. And then when I got my results for NIFT, I wasn't happy at all. Although to be fair I wasn't particularly sad either, I did get into a really good college. But then my dad would have another reason not to send me to NAFA. But like I just figured he wouldn't do that, and boy was I wrong. How am I suppose to keep seeing the best in them, if all they do is let me down.

So now I need to convince my parents to let me do what I want even if it means I might end up poor. The problem is, that seems so inconceivable to do what you love instead of like being alive. I guess, being alive is important but I'm already dead inside.

Here is the thing, all the successful people I know did just that. But then there are also millions of people who did that and weren't successful, and right now I am in a point of time where the odds are not in my favour.

I only really have one option, and that is too fight for it. With the level head, and calm mind. Just do what I am good at and get there.

Something else I have been doing recently apart from crying has been writing. And it is quite strange writing so much, cause I am not a good writer. I think to be a writer you need be know emotions really well, and I can barely grasp what's in front of me much less the complexity of the human mind.

However, when the person you've been crushing on for months now asks you to write with her, you don't say know. Instead, you suck it up and write with her like the nerd you both are. And it resulted really well, we both bonded over rice and I call her daddy now. She also thinks I need jesus but at this point who doesn't think that. That's pretty cool.

I want something to do. Like something legit to do where I don't slowly lose my mind because the future in uncertain and I am finding happiness in a person who will never return feelings for me. That's really depressing but that's kind of what is happening these days. And I don't like it.

No one told me education was hard. No one told me I can't be allowed to do what I want to do. This is not what I signed up for, yet here I am.

sigh,

upa.

how to find it

Dear Upa,

                 For the first time in a long time, I’ve had nothing to do. 

Even after my boards got over I spent almost an entire month outside my house with something to do, but for the past ten days, I’ve spent all my time locked up inside my room by myself (with Buddy accompanying me during the day), and it should have driven me insane. Should.

But I love it. I love having nothing to do. I love learning things I’ve wanted to learn for so long now. I love waking up whenever I want to. I love getting eight hours of sleep, I love not crying myself to sleep, I love the peace and quiet and I love not procrastinating because I have nothing to do.

The thing about having nothing to do is that you tend to think. A lot. 

I think about the drastic change in the way I think and in the way I behaved with everyone before and after my results. I think about how things aren’t going very well for everyone and I think about what I can do to try and make them smile. I think about what I should start studying and what I could write. I think a lot about the future and where it might lead. I think about how in the world I found myself in a place where my dream coming true is an actual possibility. I think about what this feeling is, because it’s really hard to describe.

People around me are still unhappy with problems that neither of us have the capacity to solve, and that is upsetting. The future is still uncertain and that’s how it’s always going to be. There is so much wrong, but I don’t feel like it’s as overpowering anymore. 

My parents are proud of me. And I was lying in bed with nothing to do thinking about what I might be feeling when I think I might have figured it out. And luckily for me, it’s something that doesn’t need to be described, just felt.

For the first time in a long time, I think I’m actually happy.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to Plan Your Entire H*cking Life

dear aditi,

For the last week, I had kinda lost my way. Not that anything really bad happened, but it felt like everything was falling apart. The problem was, I didn't know what to complain about because there was nothing eventful happening that made me feel that way. Probably that was the reason, nothing was happening and I couldn't even go out because I had to prepare for an exam which doesn't require preparation. The logic was here is quite beyond me.

Anyway, I made a friend today. But that's not what I wanted to write about. Before the test she asked me what I wanted to do in design, and I just shrugged and replied whatever I get, I guess. 'I don't have a plan' is what I said. That was a complete lie. I don't have a plan??? I've had a plan since I was in 8th grade and made my first proper sketchbook out of this notebook which I got as a return gift from a birthday. It wasn't even a sketchbook, it had fucking lines on it for god's sake! And the drawings, they were mostly copies. Actually I'm pretty sure all of them were copies of fanartist's work. But goddammit that shitty sketchbook meant the world to me, because for the first time in my life I was doing some sort of art which I actually liked. Everything before that was either because I had seen my mother do something or Shilpa Miss was grading us for it.

It was that sketchbook that started two things. Firstly, the whole fandom thing. Secondly, drawing about things I'm passionate about. Which at the time were fictional boys, so not the most inspirational but also not really surprising. Atleast now I have leveled up to real boys. And sometimes girls. The most recent development has been drawing everything naked, because I think the human form is very pretty, also more importantly it is my cope out from not drawing clothes. Clothes are difficult.

So during the test, I properly concentrated and finished the project on time without giving two fucks about everyone around me and what I made I was happy with, happy with in term that I only had 2 hours to make it. Finally during clean up I look around and the first thing that goes through my mind is that people didn't complete it and then I was like I think mine looks better. I didn't really think that for very long though cause I started talking to the people and the way they talked about their work, as though it's the best fucking thing ever and I was like shit maybe I'm not the best. Not that it matter, I went out to eat and forgot about it. I mean I didn't really care for the exam to begin with, the only people who care are my parents.

And then I realised, I don't care what my parents want. I never have, I don't see the point of starting now. I have wanted to do illustration since a long fucking time and now when it's so close to me I cannot stop. I've been selfish all my life, and it's worked out for me pretty well. I mean alive, so I consider that a win.

I feel like I should have probably written about a morally right way of figuring the things out and how doing what I love keeps me sane, but I figured I need to be selfish to do what I love even if I might be poor or dead because of it.

Love,
Upa.

how to lose it

"To me, the meaning of life is to be happy. It's to achieve happiness right now, it's to make sure you're happy in the future, and that generally when you look back on your life you're like; ‘Ah, yes, that was satisfactory.’"

Dear Upa,

As a 13-year-old who religiously modelled herself after strangers on the Internet, all logic and reason told me that Dan’s definition of "the meaning of life" was the gospel truth. 

And 5 years later, that hasn't really changed. 

I think essentially what most of us want from life is to be happy. But statistically, we're probably not. Recently India fell to the 122nd rank in the list of world's happiest countries (which has 155 countries) from it's previous rank of 118, and while that sucks, it’s not completely unbelievable. 

I guess there are way too many things to be sad about. The world we live in is pretty shit, life is too stressful and people are too mean. 

A few days ago when I started writing this post I wanted it to be a reminder of how I’m allowed to be happy sometimes. That nothing is worth it if I’m not actually happy. But I don’t think I’m sure even I believe that.

Maybe we overstate happiness. Maybe sometimes we tend to dwell too much on the weight of life's problems and that sometimes, we're too afraid to be happy because we think we don't deserve it. Maybe there are way too many terms and conditions attached to being happy.

But at the end of the day the fact is that we’re not happy. I’m actually freaking sad right now and it sucks and I’m whining and this is not supposed to be a personal diary and I should probably deal with it instead of whining about it into the void but no matter how much I try to ignore it I can’t. I remember saying that I’m not stupid enough to be happy but that didn’t mean that I want to be sad, man. 

I don’t mind being upset because I have too much to study and I don’t mind being unhappy because there’s nothing to be happy about, but it’s getting increasingly hard to prepare myself for the inevitable disappointment that awaits me because I wanted so much to prove to myself that I’m not completely useless and to make my parents proud.

I keep telling myself to stop crying and to start studying for the next paper, but it just won’t stop. After talking to Buddy about it I think the only way to calm down is to rant about it here and get back to work.

I’m sorry you have to read this. I know it’s draining and I don’t want to feel this way, and I know I’m going to regret posting this in the very tangible future, but I couldn’t figure out what to do.

Despite everything, I still think it's okay to let little things make you happy. I still think it's a waste to spend time not being happy. I want to believe being happy is not a crime, and that things will get better if we let them. I know that there are still things worth smiling about. 

"Happiness is not something that you have to achieve, you can still feel happy during the process of achieving something.”

And as an 18-year-old who religiously models herself after strangers on the Internet, all logic and reason makes me want to agree with Namjoon. 

I don’t want to be sad, but I also don’t want to be a disappointment.

But the future is something that involves more factors than one, and all I can do is keep doing my best. That way, when I screw up, atleast I’ll know I tried. Being mediocre is not something that’s under my control.

I know I’m allowed to be happy. I really hope you’re happy (or at least not sad).

Sometimes, against all logic, against all reason, we're allowed to be happy. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen or how badly I’m going to mess up, but I hope that when I read this in the future, I’m happy.

Bye for now,

Aditi. 

How to NOT write a book about yourself

Dear Aditi,

My whole life I have related myself to fictional characters. Well, almost all my life. And that got me thinking that if I was the protagonist of a book based on my life it would be such a shitty book. I mean apart from me not being strong, like mentally and all and my conscience not being the purest one what there.

As a protagonist, I have been told that you must always do what is right. But as an individual I don't always do what's right. Like cutting off ties with people, I surprisingly do that a lot. And like stealing your neighbours newspaper. Also guilty of that. And being so self involved that you don't realise all the possibility of things that could be happening around you. Wait, that's basically the entire Harry Potter series but to be fair that kid did have a lot going on in his life so we should cut him some slack. There also comes that part where no one wants to read about some mundane person's mundane life. People like the spicy stuff, and I'm not spicy. On a range from bland to spicy I would be like a Bell Pepper. So not completely bland but like no one in their right mind eats only Bell Pepper.

What I've come to realise that if my life were a book it would be the most boring book in existence, not because I know this book front to back and this has now lost it's excitment but because my life as a book would be a plateau. It's the same thing over and over again.

Day 1
Upasana woke up. Upasana stayed in bed for an hour after waking up because Upasana didn't want to study.

Day 2
Upasana woke up. Upasana stayed in bed to browse twitter instead of studying. Upasana didn't want to study.

Day 3
Upasana woke up. Upasana went back to sleep.

Day 15
Upasana woke up. Upasana wanted to stay in bed for an hour longer. So she did.

Day 169
Upasana woke up. Upasana wonders why did she even bother.

Day ???
Upasana didn't wake up.

How Not To Be Tired

10 February 2017, 9:04 PM

Dear Upa,

               I'm tired. I'm not sure of what, but I am. I'm not really complaining. I'm mostly just stating a fact. 

I'm really tired. 

Bye for now,

Aditi

13 Feburuary 2017, 5:51 AM

Dear Upa,

                 A few days ago, I was tired.

Mentally, physically, emotionally- tired in every way I could think of, and it doesn't even make any sense. It was weird but I couldn’t seem to shake it off, I was barely even getting any work done. I even wrote a blogpost consisting of 5 sentences that I never ended up posting, I don’t really know why. I think, looking back, what I was truly tired of was myself.

But yesterday BTS had their comeback. I don’t know how to express in words what their music makes me feel, and I’m glad, because sometimes words diminish the feelings they contain. They said exactly the things I needed to hear, and just like that, I’m not tired anymore. A few people would probably call me crazy and maybe I am. Sometimes even I don’t believe I’m actually aiming for what I’m aiming for. I’ll probably never get there. I know the chances of it not happening are higher. But honestly, I’m tired of being tired.

It’s okay if I don’t get there if I know I’ve done my best. I refuse to be tired.

A day may come when we lose, but it’s not today.

Today, we fight.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

how to be adult

dear aditi, 

i turned 18 last week

that was pretty dope and by that i mean my birthday itself was fun. its a day to celebrate my existence how can i not have fun my ego got a boost which is nice. 

now to the actual turning into an adult part its the same, i mean i havent gained any magical powers and got any wisdom and im still immature af where i laugh anytime someone says D 

the only thing adult about me is my worrying alcoholism, which if im being honest its not like i drink that much or that i do it in a harmful way its just that im so calm drinking like where is that phase where i go like oh my god alcohol and start acting drunk after a sip and doing shit i will evidently regret l8er idk but i haven't had that phase the most i have done drunk is like feel hot. the temperature wise hot, i feel the other hot too sometimes but thats not the point. 

i honestly wish i could write some deep philosophical crap directed to my future self of how much i have grown and how much more i still have left but i have a strong feeling thats just not me. im not a deep person and half the stuff that come out of my mouth are either trash or memes and im still too scared to approach my feelings head on. i have never liked coffee and still havent developed the taste for it. honestly i have the taste buds of a 5 year old. but i still eat a lot of weird shit according to my family like octopus and raw fish. although it doesnt seem that weird to me just tasty. 

anyway broski now that I'm supposedly an adult i need to do things like finally get a debit card which doesn't have kids jumping on it and probably get a license to drive a car and then not drive because driving seems like too much effort there is also like giving my board exams and not treating it like dinner graduating also seems quite important lol 

i also found out that people actually care about me???? like more than i thought i mean dont get me wrong i always knew people care but its just i dont voice myself enough so i dont expect people to know what i want and they still do and im like wow (note- these people r not my parents my parents are still v confused on how to raise children and they've brought up two of them) 

now on to important things 

u trusted me with life on my birthday, and the cactus hasn't died yet but its only been like 5 days but still. im naming it ‘xoxo’ just to mess with me and the lucky bastard gets to be in my bts shrine facing namjoon, jin and hobi so like lucky cactus. my mom legit asked mr. maali how to take care of it and he tried to assure her that its not that hard to take care of but honestly both of us aren't that convinced 

love, 

upa 

How to Be 18

enigma

ɪˈnɪɡmə/

noun

1. a person or thing that is mysterious or difficult to understand.

Dear Upa,

                   There are a few things about me. 

I always find it strangely hard to tell someone directly about how much I love them. I'm stubborn, proud, jealous, selfish, self-righteous and I genuinely don't care about a lot of people as much as they care about me. 

There are several things about you. 

For as long as I've known you, you've been an enigma. You claim I know you better than you know yourself, and maybe that's true, but honestly, I've never properly understood how someone like you even exists. 

You're unapologetically yourself but hesitant at the same time, fiercely loyal but mellow, full of surprises and yet completely predictable. 

A your hyung, I should be giving you advice on how to deal with the world once you're 18, because apparently being 18 is SRS BUSINESS, but I think you're doing pretty well, to be honest, and I don't know how you do it. You love with your entire being, I've never seen anyone so full of love. You're so pure, so smart, so brave, so smol.  

And I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of the person you are, the person you're becoming, I'm proud of how talented you are and I'm proud of being your friend. 

You're actually really freaking weird. You're also really dumb sometimes, and you pretend not to like my uncle jokes but I know you love them. You're so strange, but I don't think I have it in me to complain. 

I always find it strangely hard to tell someone directly about how much I love them, but with you, it's not that hard. I'm stubborn, proud, jealous, selfish, self-righteous and I genuinely don't care about a lot of people as much as they care about me. But you make me feel like I'm more than that. 

Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for making me happy. Thank you for letting me know you, and thank you for letting me become a better person just through the privilege of knowing you. 

I don't understand you, and I don't understand why I'm always so weak (in a good way) when it comes to you, but in the chaos of everything that happens to me, you make the most sense. 

Happy birthday. 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Bye for now,

Aditi 

How to Get Angry

anger

ˈaŋɡə/

noun

1. 1. 

   a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

   
   

Dear Upa,

                 All my life, I think anger has confused me. 

If anger was a person, it would be that relative that you knew you're related but are never sure how. Or that acquaintance that you feel awkward to say hello to sometimes. Or that chip at the bottom of the bag which you didn't know existed because it was tucked into some secret corner. 

It's not that I don't feel angry. I think a lot of things make me angry.
But there's angry, the kind you feel when your school is being satanic or when someone unintentionally ignores you, the kind that's usually written off as annoyance and ultimately brushed off with nonchalance. 

And then there's angry, when you can't control how you feel, when your blood literally boils and you need to confront the person who makes you feel that way. 

The anger I usually feel is the first kind, it's very rare that I get angry. Most of the people I meet are under the impression that I am apparently incapable of being angry at all, what with my amazing ability to continuously smile for absolutely no reason. It's creepy.
I think most of the instances where I've felt true, pure anger is when someone I love is being demeaned for whatever reason. 

My theory is that I don't get angry  much because I'm simply too lazy. But there are some people, a few, about whom I'm fiercely protective, and that's when I become uncharacteristically aggressive. I remember literally screaming murder at this guy (who happened to be one of my best friends at the time) in front of the entire class in 10th grade simply because he made another one of my best friends at the time cry in front of everyone. That's not like me at all, because usually, I prefer trying to blend in with the walls.

Sometimes I get that angry in my own defence, but in those cases my tolerance is much higher. But if it happens, there's no going back and I get worried because I have little control over what I might say. 

I don't know how to stay diplomatic all the time, even though I try my best to maintain peace. But sometimes, idk, maybe stepping up is the more sensible alternative. 

Like Gandhi said, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. 

But what can I do if justice is blind?

Bye for now,

Aditi.

PS: This may the angst-iest thing I've ever written and once I almost killed hobi D:

How to 2017

Dear Aditi, 

   Every year, the new year rolls in and I tell myself I’m going to get my life together and every year I end up with a bigger mess in my life. Physically and mentally. So this year there are two possible outcomes, one is to just not tell myself I’m going to get it together so that I don’t have to face the probable disappointment or I could just do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result and find myself spiralling down into insanity. Well, more than I am now. 

In typical Upasana fashion, I have decide to do none of these and instead my plan is let my hair grow out this year and then get it dyed gray to fully accept my old age. I mean, I have wanted gray hair for so long now and each time I’ve asked for it I’m either told I would look old with it or that it will damage my hair. What they don’t seem to be able to grasp is I really don’t care? I mean if I do have to go bald, it’s a new look. Fun Fact: I have a perfectly oval head which is apparently a positive beauty trait. But also if I go bald it will be so much fun to get people to pet my shaved head. I have some weird hobbies, I have come to realise. 

Now like every first post of the year, I need to look back at the one that just ended and reminisce about it. What are the firsts this year? I think about it and really I had none. I guess it was the first time I drank without my parents around, and didn’t get drunk or do anything stupid (stupider than usual). And I became friends with my seniors, like proper friends. And I retained essential information like Namjoon's show size.  

Love, 

Upa.