How to be Obsessed

Dear Aditi,
     Reading your last message made me really emotional. So much so that my friend in the train thought that I was having problems. I have never been away from anyone I love, except you. But I understand that it is difficult for you. I shall give you mental moral support.
I do much of my reading and writing on the train or the bus. Much like Carrie Hope Fletcher I guess. I probably subconsciously picked it up from her.
I do that a lot. Emulate people I look up to. Most of them are( not surprisingly) YouTubers.  I probably picked up the all black asthetic from Danisnotonfire. The time I started watching him and changing my wardrobe match. The origami dragons is from Itswaypastmybedtime. The gore makeup (and makeup in general) is from Klairedelysart. The manga drawing was inspired from Mark Crilley. The two socks is from Amazing Phil. The 'Bi!' Is from Itsgrace. There are many many more YouTubers or just a video that has actually changed me.
I felt the need to write this because YouTubeis just such a big part of our life.
I don't know,
Upa. 

How To Deal With Loving Your Buddy

Dear Upa,

                I know I'm early, but I was lying awake thinking about how much I miss Buddy and it reminded me of your blogpost. So I decided that writing about it is probably going to make me feel better, as it does always.
              While I read your post, all I could think of was that I can't really relate. But I'm happy for you. As for your reasons, I think only the first is valid. Being with her shouldn't make you bunk or the time limit shouldn't scare you off. Don't waste the time you have thinking of what may happen. But by all means, take your time and do what you must. I know that it's quite a rubbish feeling to see her right infront of you and not be able to do anything about it, but I also imagine that it's also wonderful in the strangest of ways. Yes, being in love can be terrible, but having someone to love is amazing.
           That's how I feel about love. That it causes a lot of unnecessary pain. Like right now, I miss Buddy (my dog who is still in Mumbai as context to the fictional readers who might be confused) so much. I also love him so much. That's the problem. It feels so empty to not have him close to me.
             I don't think I can put into words the relationship I have with my dog, and I'm guessing every owner has the same relationship with their pets. Words diminish the feelings they contain. All I can say is that it is something like having a piece of my heart walking around outside me. He's one of the most beautiful things on this planet, and I wouldn't change anything about him for the entire world. I miss his annoying incessant barking and stupid face when he chews up all my favourite things. I miss his wagging tail and the noise his nails make when he walks on the tile floor. I miss how annoying he is when he wakes me up so I can pick him up on the bed or when he wants water. Staying away from him is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. He's not just a dog to me, he is a source of love and happiness. He radiates happiness. He is happiness.
            Despite all the pain being away from him is causing me, I do think it's worth it. I'm going to see him again. And I'm going to see you again. I can wait. Love is always worth it.
 
After all, all magic comes with a price.

Bye for now,


Aditi.

How to Love

Dear Aditi,
   I thought I knew what love was. I mean, I have read enough shoujo manga and fluffy fanfictions to know.  But turns out I never did. Until now.
It painful, and yet I refuse to leave it alone. She makes me feel something unexplainable. And I know that is would make sense if I pursued her, or got some intention of being with her. But I honestly don't want to unless it comes knocking on my door.
You must be thinking this is a dumb idea, and it probably is. But I have my reasons. One, my education and the university I want to get into is more important than love.  Two, if I were with her I know I would he bunking periods. Three, we will probably end up in different places after two years- and that makes it feel like this love has a time stamp.
I talk about myself a lot, not enough about you. I miss randomly hugging you all the time. I miss those morning where I would come to your class until the last second that the teacher was in class. I miss coming to your house all the time. I miss you. 
With Love,
Upa.

P.S. I am writing this in the cab, and the driver is playing the funniest hindi songs.

How To Pull Yourself Up

Dear Upa, 

                

              Yes, I am a HUGE hoarder. I don't know, I just don’t throw stuff out. Somethings just can’t be replaced. Sometimes you need something physical that you can hold and remind yourself of things that you want to remember. I mean it sucks that you don’t agree with your family on this matter, and if it really bothers you that much and you can’t do anything about it, just ignore it’s presence. Or break it. On second thought, don’t do that. Just pretend it doesn't exist. Or try appreciating it. Or don’t.                 

Anyway, sorry I am late. I was sick.

And by sick I mean really, really sick, so sick that I wondered if I remembered being sick to be that horrific. I mean, COME ON. I’m a kid. Being sick should be fun because I get to miss school and have an excuse to not do any work. But it was horrible. I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t read or use my phone or laptop because it made my eyes and head hurt. All I was able to do was sleep or lie around aimlessly thinking what my life has come to and about the amount of work I’m missing because I can’t function. 

So I took a week off from school, and had a test today that I was very prepared for. I was better over the weekend but felt sick again in the morning, dreading the idea of spending six hours sitting up in the sweltering heat in a building full of loud, obnoxious teenagers, but I told my self that enough was enough and that I need to suck it up and go to school and give the damn test.

And that worked out great for me- I fainted. And threw up. And because I hadn’t eaten anything all day I basically felt like I was coughing up my insides. I also missed the test. Fun.

Anyway, while I lay on a strangely comfortable bed in the sick bay at school, waiting to be picked up, listening to the nurse telling a seventh grade boy how to go to the toilet so that his stomach stops hurting (which made for a very pleasant ambience), I wondered if maybe sometimes I am too hard on myself. 

Do I expect too much from myself? Or do I not expect enough? Or is the fact that I feel like I don’t expect enough from myself a testimony to the fact that I do? I don’t know. I am my worst critic, I scrutinise everything I do and I guess I am the reason I have a major inferiority complex sometimes. I mean, can you ever really go higher at something if the thing pushing you down is you?

Anyway, I’m going to get my life back on track. I’m also going to try my best to give a retest for the one I missed. I guess I’m tired of looking up at the places I could be if I tried climbing. Maybe it’s time to give myself a hand and help myself up instead of looking down on myself from afar.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to Throw Away

Dear Aditi,
    Have you ever hated something you much that just looking at it annoys you? I have that feeling often. This time it is for a chair. A dumb broken chair which takes up too much fucking space which the hoarders in my family refuse to throw. 
Why do people feel the need to keep everything? I do throw away a lot of stuff. It's broken. It doesn't work.  I have a replacement. I live with a set of people who can't throw stuff out.
I don't know, are you a hoarder? Do you have the constant urge to keep everything incase one day you happen to need it?
Bi,
Upa.

How To Not Know (And Not Care)

Dear Upa,
               
                Don't worry, that is absolutely normal, and it happens to the best of us. It will pass, so chill.

 Anyway, remember that phase when you were with me in Delhi when I started replying to everything with "idk and idc"? And then you guys started saying it too? Well, I kind of truly understand that now.

Like, a few months ago, for as long back as I can remember, I used to hate not knowing. I knew what I was doing and what I was going to do the next day, and the day after that, and- well, you get the picture. But now I just really don't know. Everything is so unexpected! Like my mom telling me she has stuff to do important business-y in Mumbai two weeks after we're back?! And so I can come for a weekend SPECIFICALLY the day our friend decided to have a party, and I get really good marks in tests I didn't study for at all and thought I would fail in, and just everything in general is so weird that I wouldn't care to think that it would end up happening. But it did. Yay.

So yes, I don't know. I don't have a tiny clue what the hell is happening and I don't know why, but you know what? I really don't care.

Also, school isn't half bad. I don't mind it. There is the fact that I can't sit on the internet all day or read, and there is the whole going out of the house problem, but other than that, I guess I can live with it.

Also an update on the whole procrastination thing: I realised that just because I procrastinate doesn't mean I don't get any work done, what actually happens is that I start unbelievably late and then do it, which results in anything between little to no sleep. I spent the last whole week at school sleep deprived. That is a problem.

I also have a terrible back ache and it hurts a lot. :(

But, for now, I do know that this will pass. I'll deal with it the only way I know how: idk & idc.

Bye for now,


Aditi.

How To Look Forward

Dear Aditi, 
     Do you ever wake up one morning and just don't feel like doing a thing? And I don't mean just being lazy, I mean finding it mentally impossible to make yourself do the task you were suppose to do. I have been having one of those days. Well, it's been more like a week; but whose counting?
Now, I have had times like this before, and it has been okay. I have got through it, because there has always been a proper cause to my problems. This time there isn't. 
So, basically for the past few days I have been like a lifeless corpse (I mean, contrary to a corpse which is alive.) That also means I haven't been communicating with my family, and just going out or doing stuff I would normally. I really don't know how to get back into my normal ways, but having baths help. 
I am still doing things, mind you. I just cleared my cupboard and found many cringe worthy stuff in it. I read my diary, and everything I have written there has some relation with our school. I have never really known a life outside school. I have had very few friends who have never been trapped in those walls. I miss our school, but honestly I still hate it with all my heart. And now I will be going to a new one, and I thought I would be scared. But I am not. 
Salute, 
Upa. 

P.S. YOU'RE COMING FOR A VISIT AND I AM SO EXCITED!

How Not To Get Shit Done

Dear Upa,

                 
               That’s really amazing. Good for you!

Although, I can’t say I relate. 

I mean, I’m not saying that I don’t like working, I love working. I love doing things most of the time. I guess I don’t like doing things that I’m supposed to be doing. As you know far too well, among the many fragments of my personality that make me a useless human being, one of the more prominent ones is that I PROCRASTINATE. A lot.

It’s a serious problem. For example, it keeps me from studying. It’s not like I don’t want to study or learn new things or anything, but every time I tell myself, “Right, I’m going to do the thing now!”, I end up spending the next 3 hours getting myself to start doing the thing. I also get distracted WAY to easily. A blank wall can distract me. My brain is the problem, it thinks too much. I’m always thinking. I can decide to start studying at 8AM, and before I know it, It’s 1AM the next day and I’ve spent a good 2 hours staring at my book, 3 hours looking up pictures of microwaves or cats or baby animals and 4 hours telling myself how useless I am, and not doing anything about it. I honestly do not know how I even managed passing 10th standard with my brilliant skills at putting important things off.  

I wish I was exaggerating.

Anyway, I guess I should end this now. I have two tests next week that I am not prepared for so I’m going to do a load of Math now.

Right after I look up on whether procrastination is a chronic disorder. 

Bye for now, 

Aditi.

How To Get Shit Done

Dear Aditi,
                 I am glad you are content. And even happier that I will be seeing your pretty face for the holidays. 
I too am content. Happy, even. Maybe a little bit bored, since my art school thing is over. And now I just have two weeks to waste before college. It has also come to my realisation that I cannot stay still without doing anything. 
I used to find it odd when YouTubers like Klaire de lys and Carrie Hope Fletcher would say that they cannot stay still and do nothing. Because I have always been that person who can just watch TV and do absolutely nothing. But I think that has changed, because now I cannot just stay in front of a screen and waste time. I have to do something productive. I have to create something. Whether it is content nobody will read or half assed work of what can pass of as art. I must do it.
I am going to say it is a good thing. Atleast I am doing something with my life. But obviously life hates me and decided that my laptop should stop working when I am in desperate need to start working.
Instead I have decided on cleaning my room. This actually started because my brother's college has started. And every morning he spends a good hour figuring out what shirt to wear. I realised I will probably be doing the same. Hence the cleaning my wardrobe. Which sort of led to a cleaning everything.
I don't really know how to end it. I am clean. I am working. I am missing you. 

I am not very good with endings,

Upa.