How to Spill Milk

Dear Upa,

Yesterday while I was feeding the dogs, I had to open a packet of milk. It was this obscure, over-priced brand because the regular aukaad-wala brand wasn’t in stock, and I was in a hurry/too lazy/melting in the 40 degree heat and bought it anyway. I had to open this packet of milk but I didn’t have a scissor, so I did the normal thing and pierced it with my earring. I know, genius. Except not so genius, because I lost my earring and spilt the over-priced branded milk all over my hands and the ground. Chotu was not very happy about that.

But I still had fun. Technically this is my study leave, and I have long been done with my campus care duties, but I like feeding the dogs. It’s time consuming because we have 10 campus dogs but it’s also therapeutic because it’s something I know I love doing, which is rare.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life, that would make it so much easier. I mean, I do know a few things. I know that I want to be successful. I know that I would like to do something that matters. I know that I don’t want to be poor, because I’d like to travel when I earn my own money. 

I think travelling is a much better use of money than most material things, but my parents don’t always agree with me, so that kinda sucks. But I mean, it’s their hard-earned money, so I better deal with it. When I earn money, I’d like to travel.

I know some things, but I honestly have no idea how to get there. I hope I figure it out. I was watching the Burn The Stage episodes I hadn’t watched, and every single episode made me tear up. Like wow, I love them. I love how real they are. When they were talking about their fears, I was reminded of something I realised today. I’m really struggling with planning out my vacation. I’m only in my first year, and I should be chilling like some of my friends. But then there are some of my other friends who are absolutely killing it, and I know I can’t just sit back and waste my time when someone’s making some use of theirs.

But then, I worry I’m not having enough fun like other people my age. Unlike most people, I’m having a really hard time sorting out my priorities. My urge to work harder and achieve more has only grown after coming to college, but then I also want to have fun and make memories with friends. And so I don’t know what I should do, because I feel like either way, I’ll end up discontent. 

Even right now, I’m so happy. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy. I mean, I was probably really happy in AVM, but I wouldn’t want to go back to that because I was a completely different person back then. But still, I can’t help but think “what if”.  What if I’d picked a different field of study, or a different college, or a different city.

But I stop myself from dwelling too much on that. I’m here, and I’ve got to figure this out. As Mankiw said in our microeconomics reading- there’s no point crying over spilt milk.

Bye for now, 

Aditi.

PS- I’m guessing you’re really busy so I’m not going to keep pressuring you to post. I’m also not going to stop myself from posting when I want to write. Please post when you feel like it!

How to bLog

7.13 PM, March 26, 2018

I don’t know what happened. I was shitting myself for the longest time and trying (and failing) to keep it together, but today I’ve been feeling really optimistic and confident all of a sudden. 

I realised that the competition for gen sec is absolutely ridiculous and I just got 12.5 on 25 on a math test, and I’m not sad. I sacrificed the math test for my mental health. It wasn’t a stop, it was a pause. And now I’m going to kill it in my next paper because literally nothing is stopping me. 

As for gen sec, I can’t be sure of what’s going to happen, I just have to believe in myself. There’s a very good chance it won’t happen, but I wonder if I can get it if I really put my mind to it. 

11.38 PM, March 30, 2018

I’m not really sure what I’m doing. I never stopped to think, “Wow, I’m really doing this.” I don’t think I’m going to win just because I want it. I don’t think you really get things just by wanting them, no matter how much that’s what they want you to believe. I  think you have to legitimately work no matter how talented you are. Maybe the lack of talent will work in my favour, maybe it won’t. The thought of leaving everything and just reading fanfics is really tempting. Maybe I don’t need to think about it to know that I’m scared, because I am. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m scared. Maybe the whole thing is not that big a deal. Maybe it is. I don’t know because I haven’t stopped to think. 

9.08 PM, April 2 2018

Over the weekend I wondered if I should ask my parents if I can go for therapy. I mean I don’t know if im depressed or if I have anxiety, but I’ll never know if I don’t get someone with a lab coat to tell me. 

I don’t know why I’m mentioning this part here since it has nothing to do with the elections, and maybe it’s because a part of me thinks this note is never going to see the light of day since I’m only going to post it if I win, obviously. 

I think I’m posting it because at home, I got sad. At home I wondered why I was standing for elections at all and if it’s really what I want. But then I came to college and I see other contesters feeling intimidated by me or people referring to me as “gen sec” before the elections even take place, and some twisted part of me likes it. Loves it, even. It feels great to be taken seriously. 

And I know why I want to be gen sec. I love to win. 

It’s like validation, since it’s an election, because I’m not capable for doing that for myself no matter how much sometimes it feels like I can. I don’t know if it’s depression or anxiety, but if this is not what it would feel like, then I don’t know what would. 

6.02 PM-11.35 PM, April 3

a few things that were said to me today-

“i was reading a tale of two states

and at one point I was like fuck

aditi is too precious for this world”

“are you proud of me?”

“I really am. you work very hard. even if you don’t understand something, you don’t give up till you do, so I’m proud of you.”

“you know I would totally put flowers into your hair too :( if u weren’t so far :((“

“I wish I could vote for you even though I’m not in your college”

“Aye Projekt! Tell us where the best lighting is for the group photo”

“I hate kpop, but I got high tolerance for this girl. See you soon.”

“Ur an angel.”

“I am. Sometimes I’m a fairy also.”

“Replicated in the statue in bst”

“Ily🤞🏿

People were nice to you

They’re smart people”

i guess it’s just one of those days 

10.42 PM, April 4

I’m so screwed lol 

10.16 AM, April 6

I’m so scared but my dad just said he’s proud of me 

9.57 PM

I’m terrified. Absolutely terrified. I don’t want to lose. 

I’m incredibly proud that I pushed myself to do this, because this involved everything I’m terrified of. But I still did it. And it’s such a big deal, like I can feel how much of a big deal it is for me personally. I don’t know what’s going to happen on the 12th but right now, I’ve already won my personal battle. 

But that just makes the prospect of losing all the more scarier. I’ve sucked at stuff so many times by now that you’d think I’d be used to it, but the fact that this involved my biggest insecurities makes me even more vulnerable. 

I just.. I just hope. I just hope that if I lose, I can save myself from myself. 

4.12 am April 10

lmao my previous log was so embarrassing I’m fine now ok

Maybe it’s a good thing I’m documenting it because I’ll forget I felt that horrible too 

Anyway today was a good day I think and I’m really happy with myself 

Also I remembered that I joked about my GPA today, and I had no remorse when I did it 

I think that’s growth 

12.26 AM, April 13

So um,,,, I did it? 

It confuses me a little so I’m going to lay it all on the table. Less than one year ago I was too scared to talk to a single person in the department, and now I got 80/130 votes. I can’t understand myself. I got complex from people I beat. I had dinner with people I longed to be friends with. I think the present aditi is someone the past aditi would look up to, and that makes me content. 

The formal confrontation was absolutely terrifying so I don’t know why I had so much fun and stayed confident. This makes no sense.

But, I did it. I got it because I worked for it. 

There’s a lot still to do, so it’s time to get to work. 

Bye for now.

Aditi. 

how to asdkghjkk

Dear Aditi,

We got Dan and Phil tickets today. Holy shit. What. It's been a couple of hours and it still doesn't feel real. It's like a lucid dream I don't want to wake up from.

We get to talk to them. Like legit talk to them. What. Wait what. Ha. Hahahahahahahhahahahahaha. I am still in shock. I don't think I will ever come to terms with it.

I don't think I have ever felt that much joy over something materialistic in forever. That much joy in general also, I guess.

A part of me is also a bit scared. But it's about the dumbest of things. Like what will I wear. And will I look stupid. And how short I will be. I will be so short oh my god. And aqua pallu is with us and she is 2 cool 4 skool.

But then an even bigger part of me is like haha hahahahahahahhahahahahaha haha dan and Phil. Daniel and phillie. ma tol noodle Bois. My dads who shaped a significant part of my personality. My sons who need to be protected. Oh god these are too many emotions I will die.

I'm going to move on to other topics, BC my heart. I went on a date with god. it wasn't rlly a date that is a complete lie. but we did drink over pizza and got slightly tipsy and then visited an art gallery and she let me rant about the artistic integrity of the painting. so an ideal date. it's the sort of date you write fanfics about. And told vaish about my date too. she also went out on a date which is not rlly a date. she knows everything i feel and completely excepts me. how did i get that lucky. i think i am pretty darn lucky to find good people. like vaish, who legit thought dan and Phil are boyfriends. I mean so does the phandom but she isn't in the phandom so it's different.

also front row seats. WHAAAATTTTT.

Love,
Upa.

how to be a cat

Dear Upa,

Recently, I’ve not been doing a very good job of not letting life overwhelm me. I wake up in a state of panic and I fall asleep in a state of panic (that is when I actually sleep and not sustain myself on naps), and the part in the middle just goes by in a blur of me trying to catch up with the things around me. People say I should make a list of things I need to get done to calm myself down, but honestly the idea of reiterating everything I have yet to do is terrifying. I just talk to Vandu or listen to a soothing video of Dan saying motivational stuff to calm down, and even if it’s temporary, it works like a charm. I realised today that the only thing I can say to comfort myself at this point is that it really just gets worse from here, so I shouldn't give up just yet.

But now I’m going to talk about things that have distracted me from feeling like actual mush. 

I got kittens. Two of them. They’re so soft and so fluffy and they’re inseparable, it’s adorable. The first day they were here all three of us were sizing each other up, because I don’t know if it’s obvious, but I have much more experience with dogs than I do with cats. Dogs are so easy, but you can never know what a cat is thinking. I assumed I should give them space, which seemed doable in theory but in reality proved to be impossible because of how FLUFFY they are, how am I not supposed to squish them? 

Vandu told me to treat them how I would expect someone to treat me, because it’s not all that different, and I realised that holy shit, she’s right. I thought I was more of a dog than a cat, but I realised that I’m definitely more of a cat. 

When I asked my sister which she thought she was more like, she said cat. When I pointed out that most people I know would actually be cats for some reason, she said that it’s because very few people are good enough at heart to be dogs. She’s right. 

I think Vandu would be a dog. 

Bye for now,

Aditi. 

how to honour hixetapesus

Dear Upa,

I don’t know if I’m necessarily an optimistic person. I mean, in my head I’m most definitely not. But when I take into consideration all the posts I write, no matter how depressing the subject matter, the end is always, always abruptly hopeful.

I’m not entirely sure why I do that. Maybe I want to make the future Aditi feel better if she comes back to read these, or maybe it’s to simulate fake happiness to resemble to the real thing.

I’m not sad. I’m not content, either. I’m fine, with the occasional existential crisis that is pretty much routine by this point. 

One of the things that has always bothered me is a thought my brain only recently articulated- and it is that I’m a child. I’m 19 years old, which is supposed to be pretty old. Yet, there is so much I haven’t experienced and so much I’m not ready to. There is so much I haven’t even thought about, and so much I don’t want to think about. I can’t help but feel so different from most people my age, like there was some sort of introductory class that I missed. Maybe this is how everyone feels, I don’t know, but I’m really just a child and I don’t think I’m ready to grow up yet.

College, though, feels like a safe space. I don’t know how, but it feels like a home. I’m not sure how I ended up in a place that is my comfort zone while still pushing me out of my comfort zone, and while I’m happy for myself, I’m not sure if I should be.

I’m 19 years old and I don’t know what I’m good at. There are some places where I feel more confident than I do in others, where I find it easier to address a crowd, and I still haven’t figured out why that is.

Most things are a blur, and I’m just waiting for it to clear itself out. 

Anyway, I need you to feel happy. I know it’s not a switch that you can turn on and off and that I can’t just say everything is okay because it’s not, and that I can’t just ask you to simply be happy. But I am. 

You deserve to be happy, and that’s what you’re going to be. And I know I have no way of knowing it for sure. But- surprise- I’m hopeful.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to try and live

Dear Aditi,

I haven't written in a while. Usually it's cause I forget or life is too busy, but even though life has been busy I didn't want to write a letter.

I just didn't.

But now I have something to talk about, and also you reminded me it's been like 2 weeks. So here I am.

Honestly I kinda realised my life is not as mundane as I think it is. It also isn't as sad as I feel it is. I mean I am getting educated in a university some (quite few) dream of going to. And I get to eat whatever I want. I'm not failing anything. I have people around me who love me for the mess I am. And it's good. It's really good.

Just the other day, a acquaintance (I use the term loosely) called me a bitch for not doing her part of a group project. And you should have seen Nee and Vaish. They were ready to fight. Like literally fight her. And the fact is they aren't the only ones. I have so many people around me. Including you, and I am grateful.

It is still annoyingly difficult to be content when you work your ass off and someone takes it from you only because of their name. And I shouldn't be okay with that. I'm not. I want to fight, but I know that will only make things worse. So for now I work hard. Well, harder.

We had our college Fest in the past two days. It was tiring. Annoying. I fought with more than one faculty about my work. Turns out creativity is not appreciated as much as how pretty the work is. Dumbheads. Also our college fest sucks, so lol.

I had to  go to Chennai today. And my dad booked a return train ticket. Then I took a general ticket at the counter and got on the train.  Never before in my life have I felt like an object as I felt on it. Maybe it's the way blonde hair or the way I dress but practically every single person on that train looked me up and down like an object. So I left and booked a plane ticket. Made my father book a plane ticket. Which he booked twice cause the first one he booked for March 24th. It's been a morning.

Love,
Upa.

how to be born

Dear Upa,

Happy birthday. 

You're 19 now and it's been a decade since I've known you, so it would make sense for me to say that I know everything there is to know about you. But the thing is, I also know you long enough to know that with you, that's really not possible. 

You change faster than your hair does. One minute you're almost a stranger, another, you're the closest another human being can be with me both emotionally and, if I'm lucky, in real life. 

With you, nothing is boring. I wish I could somehow express to you how hard it is to be away from you, but I'm neither a good enough writer nor emoter. It's not that everything completely sucks without you- it's just that you somehow make everything so much better. It's like trying to compare life with absinthe to life before absinthe. Did I just call you absinthe?? Oh well, I know you long enough to know that you're flattered. 

You're the most comfortable adventure I've ever been on. Writing this is just making me miss you more, and now this is messy. 

I guess I'm just going to say that I'm not an easy person to love, but you still somehow do it. That's just how things always are with you; they seldom make sense. There's something about you that makes people love you. You're a pain in the butt and terrible at communication and there are so many things about you that make me mad lmao but a single word from you makes me forget everything, and makes my day instead. 

I'm so soft for you, it's a curse. 

Wow I can't even express how fond I am of you without jokingly being mean someone save me 

I'll try again

Basically, what I want to say is this- your existence alone is one of the happiest things that has ever happened to me. I love you so much, it's not even normal. I'm so lucky to love you. I know that things aren't easy right now, but the thing is, they never have been. You've spent 19 years of your life fighting, and it's been a decade since I've known you, and I know for a fact that you can do this. Thank you for being by my side, and know that I'm always going to be by yours. Even if you're sitting in Bangalore and I'm sitting in Delhi and who knows where we may sit in the future, my favourite place has always been the one next to you a decade ago. 

I'm so grateful. 

I love you. 

Bye for now,

Aditi.

ps. lol you're old too now fam 

pps. this whole thing was written before ur birthday sorry for being very no fun