how to not let them down

Dear Upa,

Recently, I think I've unintentionally been spending a lot of time thinking about what kind of person I want to be. And I know that probably sounds a little random, but like most things in life, I'm pretty sure it stemmed from BTS. 

So, the thing is, I love BTS. They've been with me through the scariest and the only truly eventful years of my life, and while I agree that a part of it is probably shallow fangirling over how attractive and talented these boys are, I can't help but insist there is so much beyond that. 

Obviously, they're more talented, hardworking and successful than I'll ever be, so I never really understood why I found them so relatable. And this isn't the "omg same" Relatable™ we all feel when Yoongi chooses sleep over interacting with humans, it's the kind of "omg same" relatable when they bare themselves in front of us and tell us how they've been feeling internally. 

They're living their dream, but they're never constantly happy. I don't know them, I only know what they show us. But I know that they didn't start off where they are. They did things like locking themselves in the bathroom and crying or wondering what the future holds for them, and despite that, they didn't stop. 

They give me hope and make me feel like I'm not alone. They make me want to be better and aim for things I wouldn't think of aiming for. They make me realise what working hard means. Maybe, personally, that's why I'm so attached to them. They are the one constant thing to fall back on when things get too much, and I know that could sound ridiculous, but I also know you know what I mean. 

I wonder how they lived like that, when the future was so uncertain, and I wonder how they kept themselves working hard. 

I think that one day, that's the kind of person I want to be. 

Even if it means waking up at 5 or spending 12 hours in college, being constantly stressed out or trying to manage double the amount of work my classmates are, I want to keep pushing myself. 

Someday, I want to be the kind of person who works their hardest at whatever they do. I want to keep trying to be better because god knows there's a lot of scope. 

I don't know if that's how I'll become happy, but it doesn't matter, because happiness is quite impermanent. 

But I know that for now, being that kind of person, a person who does their best at whatever they do, is going to be one step towards maybe someday learning how to love myself. 

I can't afford to let BTS down. 

Bye for now, 

Aditi. 

how to adjust

Dear Aditi,

I have been living this hostel life for 2 weeks now. And I'm used to it. I don't love it, but I'm okay with it. The funny thing is, my house, the one in Mumbai. The one where I live, I have forgotten so easily.

I'm not the type to get homesick. I never do. And I thought it's just the duration or something, but no I'm actually pretty okay not being home. Of course I'm not okay being away from my friends and roads through which I can navigate on my own and I am counting day till I can comeback.

But I have gotten used to sleeping in this bed, and sharing my room with people who used to be stranger 2 weeks back. It's not like I still know them very well or anything but I'm comfortable in their presence, and honestly that's good enough. I have gotten used to the hell like routine, and the strange diet of momos and paratha I am on. I'm used to the people I meet every morning and night, though they are almost the same set of people.

I'm not sad anymore, well I don't really have the time to be sad but I think even if I did have the time I wouldn't be as sad as I used to be. And that is progress.

Now on to more important things than my drastic lifestyle change. It's BTS' new concept. Love yourself. I feel like I needed that now more than ever, surrounded by so many pretty (and unfortunately straight) girls, it's hard to see yourself as well... good enough. And maybe I'm not good enough, not yet. But being around people who are better than me atleast gives me some motivation to improve and like be the best I possibly can, maybe after finishing all my assignments though.

Love,
Upa.

How to Wait

Dear Upa,

I'm sick and it's been a while since I wrote a poem

Weight

There is power in a dog's paw. It's a power so fundamental, where you won't notice it at first, but it's there.
Mouth open, tongue hanging, you're covered in a layer of dirt
but if there's one thing I've learnt,
it's that your paw on my knee stands for something.
It stands for faith. You know I leave everyday and it's something you hate.
I can see it in the way the fireflies that live in your eyes die a little, but always, you wait.
You wait for me to come back, and it's like a birthday. Your tail is wagging again and your tongue is hanging again and no matter how much my shoulders are sagging again, suddenly, when the fireflies that live in your eyes come back to life, I do too.
It's true. There's power in the way you sit next to me and put your head on my knee. It stands for love,
so pure and unfiltered that the sun above
on a warm summer day would be jealous.
There's power in the way you try to fit two balls in your mouth, and both start dripping with saliva. It's not fun, almost tripping over strewn toys on the ground but the way the fireflies in your eyes dance when I pretend to throw the ball but don't, it's worth the chance.
Sometimes, you fall asleep in my lap. You're curled up and content,
and I can't think of an evening better spent than one with you kicking me while you dream.
You're a dream. There's no other way to describe the way you make me feel, the way my heart screams when you look at me and your tail begins to wag.
It's really hard not to brag
about the fact that it's clear I'm your favourite. You're a dream, and I never want to wake up.
I don't know how someone abandoned you, how someone voluntarily gave you up. If I could, I'd keep you in my arms, with your head hanging over my shoulder like a baby. Then maybe, just maybe I could pretend for a moment that you have the happy life you deserve. That the world wasn't so mean, that you didn't move from shelter to shelter with so much love in your heart for humans, the very people who didn't have it in their heart to love you like you should have been.
There's power in the way you chased those squirrels, and I just ran with you, dazed. It was as if you didn't know what giving up meant. The way you ate everything you got your paw on, and sent
the grass flying when you decided to roll in it.
You were half Dalmatian, black and white,
but you filled my world with colour
and I hope the fireflies in your eyes still light
up for someone else.
There was power in your paw. I didn't notice it at first, but it was there. And now you aren't.
Mouth open, tongue hanging, maybe you're covered in dirt in some other corner of the city, and all I can say
is that I hope you're happy.
I hope I get to see you some day.
If I close my eyes and try to imagine it, I can feel your paw on my knee and see the fireflies in your eyes.
I hate it, just like you did.
But always; I'll wait.



my eyes are sweating

Bye for now,
Aditi

how to hold on

Dear Aditi, 

I spent this week moving two cities. Going from one college to another, and though they both share the same name, they couldn’t be more different. For starters, it’s the type of students. For a fashion college, Chennai really had a minority of students who put effort into their daily appearance but here in Bangalore it seems like appearance is number one priority. 

In many ways, Bangalore feels like AVM to me. It’s just the type of people are so judgemental and brutal- but after bitching about them for a good half an hour, they always end with but they are nice. As though calling them nice will just negate the fact that they don’t like them. AVM was exactly like this, and so is my college now. It’s not like I’m not used to such people, because even though it’s cut throat- they are nice. 

Then comes my introverted self, who needs to be away from people to like really relax. And that doesn’t happen when you live in a hostel and share all your time with other people. The only time I can really be alone is when I’m asleep. But being asleep means not being able to complete my assignments. And assignments for one is like the most important thing we have to live for. That and having a high rank. 

I’m not sure how I will manage the two of those, because it’s the first week and I’m already struggling to keep up with everything going around me. And there is so much drawing, like I love drawing but when you are forced to do anything you love it doesn’t remain fun anymore. 

But although this college is kicking me in the ass, it’s actually pretty nice. I mean, I do genuinely enjoy what I am studying and I want to pay attention in class. And the few people I have managed to make friends with seem endlessly fascinating. 

I’m also in one of the top fashion institutes in the country, and I feel like that in itself is a decent enough achievement, because after all this I have been told that atleast I won’t end up poor. I mean, I have gone astray from my dreams in life only because my family kept insisting how I won’t have a job after all this. And I listened to them and I am studying about textiles instead of animation, in a field I really don’t care much for. But I’m hanging on. I’m still here. 

Love, 

upa. 

how to???

Dear Upa,

so um,,,,,,

a lot happened.

1. my dream came true????

Hernando from Sense8 had said, “There's nothing more frightening than having a dream come true,” and Paulo Coelho had said, “It is the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting,” and I had said, “pati gayu.”

Because seriously, while I didn’t exactly expect the world to be a complete magical fairytale after I achieved something I’d been working for for over a year and wanted since god knows when, I don’t think I’m sure what I exactly expected. Like??? Now what??? I’m here, and now I need to actually do something about it. Is life seriously telling me that having a mental breakdown every single day to get into college was going to lead to having a mental breakdown every single day in college? Because it’s getting a little ridiculous now.

I mean see, I know I panic too much. I’m too ambitious for my own good, and not even in a sensible way. College is more wonderful than I ever imagined and I’m losing it because my brain hates me, so even I don’t know whether to be ecstatic or depressed. 

I’m just going to take Jae’s advice and never have a dream again. It’s horrifying, because I never thought I’d get this far and now I have no idea what I’m doing. Now I’m going to set goals, and I’m going to try my best to achieve them. Like BTS had said, “No more dream.”

(screw u and ur dismissive attitude toward classics like no more dream jin ur not a tru army if you slander your roots like this get rekt) (i lov u)

also im so weak for my classmate she was singing today and i was like,,, wow im so whipped save me

also im the crazy dog lady ppl who’ve spoken to me like once send me dog memes should i be worried about my branding 

2. you moved!

 Since you left, I figured you will have to make friends. I mean I am great and all, but other friends are important. Now, I am no expert in making friends. But I am pretty decent in making an impression on people. Whether it's bad or good, that really depends on the other person (it’s usually bad).

But see, I don’t think you need advice from me on how to make friends. You’ve got this. I’m a mess and I’ll only make things worse, I’m so strange I complimented 3 people today because everyone is so wonderful like a girl was talking to me and i was like “you hAVE RLLY  PRETTY EYES DID U KNOW” I’m not sure why people want to talk to me other than CR related work I feel so grateful like i have nothing to offer u other than nervous stammering u charitable angel thank u for speaking to me

…..but anyway,,,, you’ve got this. Just be yourself. Moving away is so hard, hands down one of the saddest and toughest parts of my life, but you’re way stronger than I am and you’re in college, where everyone is looking for a good friend. You’ll be fiiiine. 

You might feel homesick. Even if someone doesn’t give a damn about their city when they live there, we become super passionate when we leave, and Mumbai is quite addicting. It’s hard to find cities that match up to it (although I’ve heard only good things about Bangalore, other than like the traffic.) Please don’t feel pressured to open up to people immediately, you tend to do that a lot. It’ll happen when it happens, and it will happen. 

Relax. Try to eat and sleep on time. Buy a dustbin. I promise, it gets better. It’s probably super uncomfortable right now and it’s okay if you’re worried about it. It’s human. It’s also okay to smile if you’re worried, so don’t forget to smile and really mean it. 

Bangalore just got really lucky.

Bye for now,

Aditi.