How to Talk About your feelings

Dear Aditi,
   I feel like we have just to the point in out lives again where we are always suppose to be studying but also we never are. Or maybe just the point where we have to start thinking seriously again. And it sucks. All my addictions, none of which are drugs, are weighing me down.
Other things weighing me down. Mainly my emotions. So today is one of those rare days where I will full on talk about my feeling with no barriers and possibly no fandoms. So there was this girl in french class. I have never talked to her. Ever. But we always end up making eye contact. But not randomly it's mostly because she is very aesthetically appealing. Like not pretty, but good to look at if that makes sense. And I stare. And then we make eye contact and I never smile. Not once have I smiled at her and she smiled at me. She is basically that one person who I want to approach but don't know how because they don;t seem anything like a nerd or like caring about anything in particular. You know the types who are just in college, but like not trying to do anything better. Like one of the many cattle in our college. Just an extremely aesthetically pleasing cattle. This is not any sort of attraction. I refuse to believe it is.
Anyway, so she is there. And now our now mutual friend and my former crush and I hope you know who I am talking about; befriended her. Just like that. She just went up and talked and boom. She has the 'hots' for her now.
Now I don't have a problem with this but it's frustrating that I can't do that. That I can't just go up to a person and talk to them and I really hate that because I want to be like that. What makes it worse is that she makes it sound like it's no big deal.
So I am jealous about really dumb things but it is really weighing my heart down so I guess normal to talk about your feeling, right?
Love,
upa. 

How To Be Addicted

Dear Upa,
                 I'm supposed to be studying.

Actually, I'm supposed to be studying for quite some time now, but I've just judiciously wasted my time. It's kind of funny now.

I just don't want to work. I think my brain has a work threshold and once it crosses that it just goes like nope and shuts down completely. It's really inconvenient, to be honest. I wish I could do something about it. Actually, I'm pretty certain I can do something about it. I probably should. I just really don't want to.

I even woke up at 5 am to study and ended up looking at memes. I spend a lot of time looking at memes, now that I think about it. Memes are so much better than work.

I've also been missing you guys a lot recently. It's like a sudden attack, striking when I least expect it. Like I was alright for weeks but now suddenly I really miss you people. Don't get me wrong, I always miss you, but sometimes I go a little mad. There has been more than one occasion where I just realise how much happier I am with you around. And while dinner yesterday I was thinking about how just the feeling of Saap Ghar having food together makes me feel more at home than almost anything else.

I guess BTS isn't the only addiction I have, then. And again, there is nothing I'm going to do about it.

Bye for now,
Aditi.

How to write Fanfiction

Dear Aditi,
   I wish I could comfort you in some way. But I do the exact same thing, so me telling you anything about it really wouldn't be valid.
Also, I really wish our chapters were like that. I mean, it's weird yes. But it is interesting. The last english chapter I did was about the decline of birds in India. Except pigeons. Pigeons are just everywhere.
There is this one pigeon that is always trying to get into my bathroom and every morning I try to insult it to make it go away. Maybe closing the window would work, but I work with insults and it's great. I did tell the pigeon one time that he was very loser. The pigeon might be a she, I don't know. I don't care enough to figure it out.
I should try writing pigeon fanfiction, I mean after that really weird naagin smut I wrote this would be rather tame.

"His eyes bore into mine.
The were bright red againist his shiny blue feather.
Everywhere I looked he was there.
It's like I couldn't get him out of my head.
And all the poop.
Poop.
Poop."

Yes, I am a writer. Okay, maybe I am insulting writers saying that. I am better at other stuff. Like rolling my mouth into a ‘W’. I got serious talent.

So, I have a problem. Apart from the other usually stuff. This is the part of the post where I complain about and say I'm going to try to change but go back to doing the same thing again and again.

But the thing is I am sad and I don’t know why. I feel like Antonio in the start of Merchant of Venice. You probably know what I am talking about, and probably can recite the lines. No, I am sure that you can. Anyway, I feel like Antonio. And you are my Bassanio. Portia is Jin, which I think is actually very fitting. Honestly, I don’t remember the other characters nor do I want to at the moment.

The reason I think I am sad is because I am always tired. I slept 10 hours. And at the most useless time to sleep, that is when everyone else is awake. Plus, I don’t really have a reason to smile. Usually my reason to smile is you. And it’s not that you aren’t there. I mean physically you aren’t here, but I am always talking to you. But it’s that there is always something to look forward to. Either you coming here or me going there, but that can’t happen as often as it does and it is just now dawning on me. So my solution is I am going to spend 85 rupees buying a red bull to keep me awake. 

Love, 

upa. 

How To Be In Trouble

Dear Upa,

                

                I literally have no life.

At least, I thought I didn’t. 

But recently, in English class, we did a chapter about a girl who’s so in love with this footballer and so suffocated with the circumstances of her own world that she escapes reality by fantasising about him. It’s a really creepy lesson (right up there with Ranga’s marriage).

She lies about having met the footballer and (spoiler alert) at the end of the lesson she goes to the arcade and imagines him there with her and the whole lesson basically turns into a fan fiction.

This is an actual part of the chapter where she’s imagining meeting him:

“His eyes are on the same level as your own. His nose is

freckled and turns upwards slightly, and when he smiles

he does so shyly, exposing teeth with gaps between. His

eyes are green, and when he looks straight at you they

seem to shimmer. They seem gentle, almost afraid.

Like a gazelle’s. And you look away. 

You let his eyes run over you a little.

And then you come back to find them, slightly breathless.”

See? Told you.

Anyway, the reason I’m talking about this lesson is because I’m worried. I’m worried because, sure, I found it really creepy as one should, but I also related to it. And that’s really scary.

The girl in the story feels suffocated in the real world and uses her imagination as a momentary escape.

When I think about my everyday life, 90% of the things make me happy is related in some way or another to BTS. It may be pathetic, but it’s true. And everything other than that is just sheer panic about studies and work, that I usually try my best to ignore because I don’t have time to panic and it’s a waste of mine and the people’s time. 

It would be a joke if I tried pretending that I don’t use BTS to escape reality, because I totally do. Even if it’s to zone out in Eco class. Thinking about them is like going to an instant happy place. That sounds a lot like addiction.

The only non-BTS thing that makes me happy is my friends, writing (when it’s not BTS) and Dan and Phil. 

I mean I haven’t reached the same level as the girl in the lesson (yet) but I’m pretty sure it’s not normal, and I find that a little bit scary.

But you know what’s scarier? I know it’s probably not good for me to ignore reality sometimes, but I’m not even going to try to fix it.

I guess its gon’ get me in trooubblllleeeee (ooh, ooh)~

I’m sorry I am like this. Who knew having no life could be so stressful?

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to Be Mush

Dear Aditi,

My dad made me work. I don't like working. But he made me work for mine own good apparently and now I am tired and my brain is a little bit mushy. I do feel a slight amount of satisfaction for finally doing something with my life but then again I think why am I doing this with my life.
I want to do design. I have wanted the same thing for years, and now it's so close by and I can't help but wonder if I am really doing what I want to.
And I know it's probably just me feeling scared of everything, which is also very unlike me. One of my key traits is that I am confident, not in talking to people, but with what I am. But today I don't feel it. My confidence took a day off and left me lying on the floor complaining to my mom about the meaninglessness of life. My mom, being true to herself, told me to stop fooling around and left the room. Things like this make me confident that I am not adopted.
Anyway, back to my confidence. It's still there. It better be, because otherwise how can I be that obnoxious fool who winks at themselves in the mirror. And never fails to talk about themselves, so much so that even people I am not so close to learn the small details about me. Or the bigger details. Like how my favourite colour is orange. And I really like orange juice.
But recently, I have stopped consuming as much orange juice as I am used to. Instead, I have substituted the only healthy thing in my life for Coke. Great going there, Upasana. 
But here is what my brain came up with. I can't sleep all day. So I need caffeine. I don't like coffee. So Coke it is, with barely caffeine in it. So it does really help at all.
But I am a genius so it's alright.
kay, bye.
upa. 

How to Go to Hell

Dear Upa,

This post was supposed to be up ages ago, but Google didn't let me log in because apparently I am "suspicious activity". I don't know why it would think that.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

A while ago, my friend and I along with our moms went to Bodhgaya for our history project field work.

Bodhgaya wouldn't be number one in the list of 'Top Ten Holiday Destinations', granted, but it really wasn't as bad as we excepted. I mean sure, it was so hot that I felt like my face was about to melt off and I had got less than 2 hours of sleep in 48 hours, but atleast I had my friend who I really really love being around and her mom, who was quite funny. 

But the highlight of the trip was when my mom met one of her childhood best friends, whom she had grown up with, after 25 years. It was pretty moving, even for an emotionally constipated person such as myself. She was a really sweet person, and they spoke like they met each other everyday. They knew each other for longer than we know each other, and I can't even imagine being away from you that long. I don't want to. 

She started crying when she saw her, honestly, I don't blame her. 

Other than that, I've also recently learned that I am an extremely jealous person. I mean, I always knew I was competitive, but now I know that I'm just downright jealous of other people doing well. 

I really wish it wasn't like that, but it is, and it's been that way ever since I was a kid. I remember once when I was like 3 or 4, I stopped talking to my best friend for a few hours just because she had won a prize at a birthday party and I hadn't. 

I like to think I'm more mature about it now, even though I mentally race with people while solving math sums and feel a strange satisfaction if I'm a sum ahead. 

Even now, if I consider someone my equal at something, I won't feel at peace till I am better than them. It's not like I want everyone to do badly, I do want people to do well, but I just want to do better. 

(which is really inconvenient actually, because usually I'm always less talented so I'm never at peace and always distressed)

This makes me a terrible person, I know. 

But maybe it doesn't. Nothing wrong with some healthy competition, right?

Right?

Damn, I'm going to hell. Oh well, atleast it won't be hotter than Bodhgaya. 

Bye for now,

Aditi.

PS- HAPPY 100TH POST!!!