How to Be 18

enigma

ɪˈnɪɡmə/

noun

1. a person or thing that is mysterious or difficult to understand.

Dear Upa,

                   There are a few things about me. 

I always find it strangely hard to tell someone directly about how much I love them. I'm stubborn, proud, jealous, selfish, self-righteous and I genuinely don't care about a lot of people as much as they care about me. 

There are several things about you. 

For as long as I've known you, you've been an enigma. You claim I know you better than you know yourself, and maybe that's true, but honestly, I've never properly understood how someone like you even exists. 

You're unapologetically yourself but hesitant at the same time, fiercely loyal but mellow, full of surprises and yet completely predictable. 

A your hyung, I should be giving you advice on how to deal with the world once you're 18, because apparently being 18 is SRS BUSINESS, but I think you're doing pretty well, to be honest, and I don't know how you do it. You love with your entire being, I've never seen anyone so full of love. You're so pure, so smart, so brave, so smol.  

And I'm so proud of you. I'm proud of the person you are, the person you're becoming, I'm proud of how talented you are and I'm proud of being your friend. 

You're actually really freaking weird. You're also really dumb sometimes, and you pretend not to like my uncle jokes but I know you love them. You're so strange, but I don't think I have it in me to complain. 

I always find it strangely hard to tell someone directly about how much I love them, but with you, it's not that hard. I'm stubborn, proud, jealous, selfish, self-righteous and I genuinely don't care about a lot of people as much as they care about me. But you make me feel like I'm more than that. 

Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for making me happy. Thank you for letting me know you, and thank you for letting me become a better person just through the privilege of knowing you. 

I don't understand you, and I don't understand why I'm always so weak (in a good way) when it comes to you, but in the chaos of everything that happens to me, you make the most sense. 

Happy birthday. 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Bye for now,

Aditi 

How to Get Angry

anger

ˈaŋɡə/

noun

1. 1. 

   a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

   
   

Dear Upa,

                 All my life, I think anger has confused me. 

If anger was a person, it would be that relative that you knew you're related but are never sure how. Or that acquaintance that you feel awkward to say hello to sometimes. Or that chip at the bottom of the bag which you didn't know existed because it was tucked into some secret corner. 

It's not that I don't feel angry. I think a lot of things make me angry.
But there's angry, the kind you feel when your school is being satanic or when someone unintentionally ignores you, the kind that's usually written off as annoyance and ultimately brushed off with nonchalance. 

And then there's angry, when you can't control how you feel, when your blood literally boils and you need to confront the person who makes you feel that way. 

The anger I usually feel is the first kind, it's very rare that I get angry. Most of the people I meet are under the impression that I am apparently incapable of being angry at all, what with my amazing ability to continuously smile for absolutely no reason. It's creepy.
I think most of the instances where I've felt true, pure anger is when someone I love is being demeaned for whatever reason. 

My theory is that I don't get angry  much because I'm simply too lazy. But there are some people, a few, about whom I'm fiercely protective, and that's when I become uncharacteristically aggressive. I remember literally screaming murder at this guy (who happened to be one of my best friends at the time) in front of the entire class in 10th grade simply because he made another one of my best friends at the time cry in front of everyone. That's not like me at all, because usually, I prefer trying to blend in with the walls.

Sometimes I get that angry in my own defence, but in those cases my tolerance is much higher. But if it happens, there's no going back and I get worried because I have little control over what I might say. 

I don't know how to stay diplomatic all the time, even though I try my best to maintain peace. But sometimes, idk, maybe stepping up is the more sensible alternative. 

Like Gandhi said, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. 

But what can I do if justice is blind?

Bye for now,

Aditi.

PS: This may the angst-iest thing I've ever written and once I almost killed hobi D:

How to 2017

Dear Aditi, 

   Every year, the new year rolls in and I tell myself I’m going to get my life together and every year I end up with a bigger mess in my life. Physically and mentally. So this year there are two possible outcomes, one is to just not tell myself I’m going to get it together so that I don’t have to face the probable disappointment or I could just do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result and find myself spiralling down into insanity. Well, more than I am now. 

In typical Upasana fashion, I have decide to do none of these and instead my plan is let my hair grow out this year and then get it dyed gray to fully accept my old age. I mean, I have wanted gray hair for so long now and each time I’ve asked for it I’m either told I would look old with it or that it will damage my hair. What they don’t seem to be able to grasp is I really don’t care? I mean if I do have to go bald, it’s a new look. Fun Fact: I have a perfectly oval head which is apparently a positive beauty trait. But also if I go bald it will be so much fun to get people to pet my shaved head. I have some weird hobbies, I have come to realise. 

Now like every first post of the year, I need to look back at the one that just ended and reminisce about it. What are the firsts this year? I think about it and really I had none. I guess it was the first time I drank without my parents around, and didn’t get drunk or do anything stupid (stupider than usual). And I became friends with my seniors, like proper friends. And I retained essential information like Namjoon's show size.  

Love, 

Upa.