How to . . .

Dear Aditi,
   I have been spending the past few days with my family. I don't like them, I'll be honest here. Some are nice people, very nice people. But all together they are quite a pain. It just made me realise how much I miss my friends.
Our friends are the most amazing people in their own way. I do fangirl over BTS all the time, and I can't help but find similarities between their members and my weird friends. They are all such strong people. Strong where it counts. Emotional. And like from within. I never really had a good way with words. Or expressing myself.  I have a hard time telling the people I love that I really really love them.
And I miss them. I miss you. And I have been away for only a week. I understand now. I think I do.
Bye.
Upa. 

How to Exist

Dear Upa,

                It’s not fair.

It’s just not. Our friend, and you know which, has to put her puppy to sleep today. It’s not fair.

I have no idea what she is going through at this moment. I can’t even begin to comprehend what she is going through. So I’m just going to look at it from my point of view.

I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting Astro, I’ve only caught fleeting, blurred glimpses of happy eyes and wet noses on snapchat or FaceTime. But I don’t think I have to. I don’t have to meet him to know that that boy is a little bundle of joy, I don’t have to see him in person to recognise the happiness and warmth he seems to emanate, and I don’t have to have held him to be able to notice the way our friend’s face lit up when she did. 

When she called me to tell me, I didn’t know what to do or think. The only things I had to offer were words that all sounded the same to even me, because I knew as well as she that nothing I could say or do would ever make it any easier. After a while, I asked her, “What is Astro doing?”.

And she replied with, “Existing”. 

This part of the blogpost is directed at her.

I don’t know what you’re going through, but I know that Astro as lucky to have you as you are to have him. Astro exists, and he will exist, and he will always have existed. He’s right there, he’s always there, looking at you with his happy eyes and wet nose, because he knows as well as I that you are strong, and amazing, and we are both so, so proud of you. 

I am so proud of you both. I love you.

Aditi.

How to Find Confidence

I'm late again. I forgot. I am going to come up with a better excuse next week. Not that I am saying I will be late next week. I won't.  Don't worry.

I have a lot of confidence. And I haven't always been like this. I have always been a narcissist, but it is only recently I have become a confident narcissist. And I have been thinking where I came about find this confidence. I wish to believe I just woke up one morning and I was like, this fuck I am awesome. It’s honestly not far from the truth. 

But the truth is that I have my confidence because of the friends I have. Who are so genuine, and honest that when they say I look good I know they won’t be lying. And if they say I don’t, I’ll believe them and probably do nothing about it. There is also the fact that I care quite a lot about how I look. Not how good or bad I look. Just how I look. The first impression I will give to person. I am very bad at first impressions. I just stand their awkwardly smiling and let the others do all the talking. I feel like if I will open my mouth, I’ll embarrass myself even more. It’s a miracle how I have any friend, yet alone such great ones. 

AND YOU ARE COMING HERE SOON! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH AND I AM SOOOO EXCITED. I THINK I MIGHT EXPLODE! 

Bye Bye. 

Upa.  

How Not To Be 16

Dear Upa,
                It just hit me.
I am not prepared to be 17.
Just 15 days of being 16 left. I feel like being 17 brings with it an obligation to have an interesting life. Being 17 seems like serious business. Like, I'm not going to be considered a child anymore. I can actually legally watch NC 17 movies if I want to. I'm not ready.

Just like that, 2015 is almost over. Literally the most eventful year of my life, and it just flew by, simultaneously making it feel like both the slowest and the fastest year ever. It feels like nothing changed, but in one year I'm so much closer to getting over my fear of new people, actually made friends in a completely new city, attended a new school with a VERY new uniform, started a YouTube channel and a blog, wrote my boards, didn't do terribly, and survived without the most important things in my life for a very long time. I'm quite content.

On a completely unrelated note, I started watching Star Wars. It was for the same reason I watched Game of Thrones, to be honest. I was kind of sick of all the references and memes that I didn't get.
And it's great. For the movies made in the late 70s and 80s, the special effects are very impressive and the story is so cool, and I am very surprised at how less I don't understand.

You know what? Forget what I had said. I'm not that afraid of being 17.
This year, I had a lot of character development. Right now, I am the kind of person who laughs at their own jokes, makes terrible puns, is the epitome of trash, makes decision based on internet memes and accidentally throws their hairbrush in the dustbin. I think my life is interesting enough.

I can't wait to see what being 17 brings.

Bye for now,
Aditi. 

How to Be Madly in Love

Dear Aditi,
   Sorry I am late. But at first I didn't sleep enough and then I slept too much. I really need to take care of these dates. Maybe planning ahead of time. Yeah, that would help.
Anyway, I would write what is happening in my life- but either it is fandom related or not my story to tell. I feel like I am the second lead my the drama of my own life. But that's okay since you have second lead syndrome. I feel like I have started developing that too. The leads are nice and all, but they are just so stupid I want to slap them.
Why are people so stupid? Fandom and Real Life. I mean, I am one of those very stupid people. And I hate it, but I can't help it. I can't think of a single person who is not completely stupid. I like stupid though. I like people who are unapologetically themselves. And they are proud of themselves. Like myself. Hence I live myself a lot. This post wasn't suppose to take such a turn, but it did and I am not even sorry. See!
See you soon.
Bye!
Upa.

How to Sleep

Dear Aditi, 
    I fell asleep in the train yesterday. On Niv’s shoulder. It was actually quite comfortable and once I was able to block out all the noises, and there are a lot of noises, it was good sleep. My friends are also really nice, and even though they wanted to they didn't disturb me. And I don't think it's cause they are scared of me.
I also came back home and fell asleep 2 hours later. And then woke up when everyone in my family was asleep. It was 2:52am when I woke up. Most of the normal people were asleep,  but I do have friends in different time zones who I could talk with. Next thing I know it's 5:55am and I have to wake up for college the next day. So I go to sleep again.
I dream of sleeping in my sleep. My dream was that two of my college friends were awake while I was kinda sleeping and the remove my phone charger from the plug point, and I need to convey to them not to do that, but since I am  asleep, and do it in growls. That was the entirety of my dream. Now I am awake, it's 8:34am. I am kind of in time if I skip breakfast and hurry up. And I am still yawning. I never realised how much I love sleep. Or the fact, how much I can sleep if I have nothing better to do.
Good night. 
Upa.

How to Be Glad

Dear Upa,

                Frankly, I don't get it. 

I don't get how this fandom thing works. I realise now that ever since I was like 10, I've spent my time fangirling over other things. It started with Percy Jackson, then Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Divergent, the Mortal Instruments, all of it was when I was only 11. And then I got introduced to YouTube (thanks to you) and danisnotonfire and amazingphil, and I started off as a casual fan and three years later am full-time phan trash. There was anime and various TV shows and now I am absolute BTS trash as well. Go figure.

Basically, I don't even remember how life was before I lived for other things. I have a Unit Test tomorrow and all I can think about is the BTS come back album and phil is not on fire 7 which will both release today. 

Maybe that's kind of sad. 

But maybe it's not. Maybe there is a sort of beauty in the way you go out there and find things worth staying up at 4 AM with your eyes glued to a laptop screen for. Maybe it's kind of great that you have a purpose that you find for yourself, a thing that makes you smile when you think about it and maybe it's great that you have something you care about that much. I think it's great that you can find happiness for yourself. 

I am glad I am a fangirl. I am glad that two British boys across the world can make me smile at any time of the day, or that fictional characters mean so much to me or that things happening to seven boys all the way in Korea has a huger impact on my life than most things.

It may sound kind of sad for someone who isn't a full time internet hobo, but these are The Most Beautiful Moments In Life. 

(Pt. 2).

Okay I had to make that pun. I'm sorry. The point is, 10, 20 years down the road I'll either still be a fangirl or look back at all the amazing times I've had with all these fandoms and think to myself, "Damn. How did I afford all those books and albums? Must be so expenseev. More than 3 dollars. I must have been reech."

I'm sorry. 

I'm done. 

I'm good. 

Bye for now,

Aditi. 

How to not Regret

Dear Aditi,
   I have a lot of friends who are in a lot of different fandoms. Some of them are in the same fandom as me. Some aren't. I want to tell you about the ones who aren't.
First off, everyone has the fandom superiority complex. In which they think their fandom is better than anything else. I have it. You have it and everyone I know has it. But when I am not in a fandom, or I was in one and now it's sort of dulled down. I look at these people and think, 'damn they are going to regret their choice soon enough.'
I don't think I have any right to think that. Because it's their life. They can do what they like with it, whether they will regret it or not. I, personally, have never regretted any of the fandoms I have been in. Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Hunger Games- grat. All the bloody anime I have watched- pretty good. All the manga I have read-  very good. Once Upon a Time- beautiful. Dan and Phil- well I am trash right now, so I don't know. But it made me wonder, will I ever regret it 5 years from now, maybe 10. I don't know. I don't want to. But I might.
I think it does make me grateful that I never got into Justin Bieber or One Direction, because I would regret fangirling over Larry. I assume it's Larry that people fangirl about. I don't have first hand experience.
Je Ne Regrette Rien.
Upa. 

How To Leave Your Comfort Zone

Dear Upa,

                Yesterday I attended a party. I'm a disaster in any social situation as it is, and I remember watching a K-Drama 20 minutes before I had to be ready and thinking about how much I didn't want to go, and instead just sit in the comfort of living vicariously through the high school dramas of a fictional character on the other side of the world. I had resigned myself to sitting near the food and eating and avoiding conversation because that is honestly my idea of a great time.

But I decided to just get up and go, because my life had literally come to a point where and my parents were forcing me to go for a party, so I figured I've hit a new low. 

But it was so much fun. The songs were great, the people were quite nice, the food was good, the place was super fancy and I can't remember the last time I danced this much and could ignore the fact that I almost passed out from the pain my heels were causing me. I don't know how all of those people stayed in heels for that long man. I am never trusting those shoes again. 

I realised that it didn't matter that I didn't know everyone like I did in our previous school, just the friends I did have were enough. I guess I could actually not hate it every time I'm forced out of my comfort zone, but the thing is with you I don't have to. I don't know anyone else I would be this comfortable living with. I know what you mean, because I am mostly myself when I am around you too. 

Parties are great I guess, but in all honesty, give me binge watching BTS videos and crying over fictional characters any day of the week. 

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to Miss You

Dear Aditi, 

   I miss you. A lot. Like when I want to say something funny that I read on tumblr, and pick my head up only to realise you are not here. I am not in Delhi, I am not with you. While I was with you, I called my mother  total of 2 times and my father 3 times, of which 2 calls were me asking for money. I am not a family person. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. They are crazy and mad, but fun. But, coming back home, I realised that I had wholeheartedly excepted your home as mine. And your family’s weirdness as normality. They are very funny, don’t be embarrassed. Your familyy is kind of epic. And I mean, you did throw your hairbrush in the dustbin. And when I asked you if you were drunk, you replied with just saying “Aloo.” 

Then again, I managed to get my chopsticks stuck behind your bed. And managed to remove the covers everytime I slept on your very comfortable bed. I also couldn’t open the bathroom door, and just stood in front of it whining. The door wasn’t even locked. I think I fit well in. 

Like on Monday, it was my first day in college. And the girl I had been crushing on- keyword HAD- we were talking. It was just so much easier to talk to her without the pressure for her to like me back. Conversation went smoothly, well as smooth as it goes for me. I realised she is not some sort of perfect human, she is very normal. A good normal, like enough abnormal to keep up conversation with me but normal enough to be… you know what, she is very abnormal. Complete weirdo. Anyway, I dressed well for the first day back to college and got a few compliments for it. Which honestly I don’t know how to accept properly, but I do really appreciate.

And I got locked out of my house, again. This is the third time since college started. Now I just chill outside the door, which is close enough to get wifi. So I was just mindlessly scrolling through tumblr, crying about various stuff. I cry about a lot of stuff not directly related to my life. 

When BTS’ comeback trailer came out, I kind of lost it. I was suppose to be completing my school project, but obviously that didn’t happen and instead I just rewatched RUN! BTS. And the funny part is, I am not even sorry. I feel like I should be, but i got no jams. Thankfully, the teacher didn’t take the project today and I am not the only lazy one in class. 

I was talking to a couple of friends at college, and it hit me. I am not really myself talking to them. Not saying I am not being myself, but I am not my truest self. I realised I am mostly that person, the person I am really happy around being myself, is you. 

See you soon. 

Upa. 

How to Realise

Dear Upa,
                 We haven't done this blog thing for a while, have we? We didn't have to, because you were in Delhi with me so we didn't feel the need to write to each other. But now you are back in Mumbai, so we must resume writing to each other to keep in touch because obviously, we have no other means of communication.

These past eight days were amazing. I realised several things.

I realised that sometimes, your family can embarrass you. Actually, scratch that, your family will inevitably embarrass you and you just have to deal with it. I realised that I have an extremely messed up sleeping pattern, and that I really, really hate waking up. I realised that museums can be very fun, even if you have no idea why half the things are so creepy, and that museums don't have the best lighting when it comes to taking selfies. I realised that I am really absent minded because I can accidentally throw my hairbrush into the dustbin. I realised that Geography can be irritating, shopping can be expensive and that cars make me sleepy. I realised that K-Dramas can be amazing and that Google+ isn't as bad as people say (almost). I also realised (for the millionth time) that I am horrible at parties, that making new people meet can be as awkward as meeting new people, and that I am inappropriately obsessed with candles.
I realised that whether it was singing K-Pop songs very loudly with completely wrong lyrics, or watching Kumamon videos at 4 AM or sitting on swings at 11 PM or even sitting next to each other on our own laptops on the internet, it's nearly impossible for me to be bored around you.
I realised that I've missed you and miss you much more than I thought I would.

I'll see you soon.
Bye for now,
Aditi.

How to Grow Up

Dear Aditi, 

   When I was younger, saying 3 or 4 years ago, I used to be brave. And I actually mean brave. The present me is still amazed that how that little girl, with a horrible fashion sense, really bad hair and a strong sense of justice managed to do it. That girl managed to stand up to her parents to let her go to camp, even after failing maths. Now my parents aren’t the strictest ones out there- but any indian parent would be very angry. But that girl didn’t seem to care, when she wanted something she would get it. The same one who didn’t let anyone stomp over her. That one who wasn’t scared of social situations, and in fact enjoyed it. Yeah, looking back at it that was the bravest thing I have done. Social gatherings. 

I am not that person any more. I have a much better fashion sense, and great hair. I have also managed to come to terms with the fact that the world isn’t fair, and we can bark about it; maybe even bite. But it won’t change. I used to think that if you deserve something, you will definitely get it. No, it doesn’t work that way. If you deserve something, the chances of it actually coming to without a fight are very slim. If you want something, you have to fight for it. You have to be self serving in this world in order to survive. 

When I was younger, I knew this. I just refused to believe it. The countless shows and books I read told me otherwise. But I have come to the terms with the fact that life isn’t fiction. We have moments, good ones which feel like something out of a fairytale and bad ones, those are the ones we stay wary of. 

So what I am trying to say is that I am no longer that brave girl that could probably be a protagonist in a novel. Instead, I have become the type of person in a story who always makes sense and yet everyone tends to look over their logic and go with what their heart wants. 

Does it upset me that I have lost some of that spark I used to have? A little. But I have never been happier, and right now  in this present I am my best self. I have become a person who doesn’t have as much pride, can hold a conversation and wants to try new things. 

With Love,

Upa. 

P.S. OH MY GOD! I AM COMING TOMORROW, and I can hug you. I really want to hug you. I like your hugs.  

How Not To Decorate Your Room

Dear Upa,
                For the first time in 16 years, I have a room all to myself, and it is very exciting. I've been planning how to decorate it since forever but the problem with a person like me, who thinks way too much but is lazy, is that I haven't really gotten around to doing any of it. Also, there are very noisy pigeons having a rave right outside my bedroom window. But still, just the fact that if I want to watch Game of Thrones at 5 am I don't have to make sure to not wake anyone else up, or that I don't have to worry about where I study when it's 3 am so I can turn on the light, or just the fact that I can stick whatever fandom pictures I want wherever I want and decorate the room whichever way I choose is comforting enough.
All I need to do now is actually do something.
In other news, YOU'RE COMING HERE DAY AFTER TOMORROW. I AM SO EXCITED.
Would you have ever imagined that we would literally travel across the country to meet each other a couple of years ago? I am so excited. I can't wait to sit on the internet all day. I mean I do that already, but sitting together on the internet all day has it's own charm. Did I mention that I'm excited?
I'll see you soon. Please start packing.

Bye for now,
Aditi. 

How to Spend Your Free Time

Dear Aditi,
   I have had a lot of free time, and I love it but I also can't stand it. I made a list of things I should be doing; and it is quite a long list of things. And I still won't be doing them. When I thought I had nothing to do, I was bored to death and the moment I realised I might have something it do, I magically found something to do.
It's a really dumb thing I do, but I really love watching K-Drama and K-Pop. I started watching one called Bubblegum. It is about a girl who works in a radio station and a guy who is a doctor. And they were childhood friends- who practically grew up together, they both have feeling for eachother, but- there is a big but in the middle (obviously)- the guy's mother kind of hates the girl and doesn't want any sort of relationship between them because according to the mother this doctor fellow can get a much better girl. So radio station girl tries to distance herself from doctor guy, unsuccessfully.
Bubblegum isn't the best K-Drama I have seen, that would probably be Master's Sun and She Was Pretty is a close second. But it does have potential. And the characters seem interesting enough.
Apart from that, I have been reading a manga called Reimei no Arcana. And it is so good! So, it's abot a red haired princess and this prince she gets married to in the beginning of the manga, and her best friend- but there is no love trinagle. So that's a good thing. This manga is a lot like Akatsuki no Yona and Akagami no Shirayukihima, it's probably a red hair protagonist thing. But my main problem is that it is not an anime yet. I really wish it was an anime, cause it would be such a good one. I feel like I have a thing for red headed anime girls, and white haired anime boys.
See you in hell,
Upa. 

How To Write An LGBT Poem

Dear Upa,
                So, sometimes, I write poems. Because I like writing poems. My poems aren't particularly great, but I've been writing poems ever since I was a kid and didn't really stop.
The other day when I was supposed to be studying and was going through tumblr instead, I found some poems about the LGBT(QIAP) Community that gave me goosebumps and was inspired to write my own. I am not a part of the Community, but I don't really think that matters.

"Ma"

“But what will ma say?”, she thinks.

What will she say when I tell her that her little girl sinks 

to her knees when she reaches her place 

where she she sees her face,

she recognises that body, those arms, that nose, 

but when she looks really close

something seems wrong, that she just doesn't belong.

I’ve been brought up in a world that loves to label,

a world that is able

to hate the very idea of what it doesn’t understand,

a land where everyone must fit 

the preconceived notion of “normal”, or quit,

A land where I am forced to call myself a “she”,

A land which can better tell me how to be me,

Where I am forced to use the wrong pronouns when I talk of love,

A land that talks of the God above 

Despite endorsing love but exerting hate,

A land where one can create

an endless number of ways to tell you to be yourself 

and tear you down for trying

A land which assumes that you are lying, and that “it’s just a phase”,

It’s not a phase, it’s not how I was raised, it’s nothing else you say,

Unfortunately, this is me, and I am reminded everyday 

of how unlucky I am to be me.

What will ma say when I tell her that her little girl

doesn’t dream of Prince Charming, 

That her disinterest in make up is alarming,

That her little girl isn’t even her little girl, she never was,

That it isn’t a loss, ma,

You can’t loose what you never had,

Please, ma, please don’t be mad

You said I’m the most beautiful girl of all time,

But then I started committing a crime

I tossed the dresses aside and replaced

them for something more practical, I disgraced

Your very idea of what a woman should be.

I am the burden that I have carried,

You know how you always thought about when I get married, 

to the man who will be my knight in shining armour,

and I’ll look beautiful, like a princess,

well guess what ma, I’m not a princess, never was, never will be,

You see there’s something different about me,

I am not the princess, I am the knight,

I am the armour, I am the fight.

I’ve lived in the closet for too long, ma,

The world doesn’t scare me anymore, I scare the world.

I’m stronger than ever now, even the closet was my Narinia,

I’m the best thing I could ever be: me.

I’m tired of living a lie, I can no longer flee,

Ma, I’m here to tell you something, standing here, undaunted,

For years, I wasn’t the daughter you always wanted,

I am the son you didn’t know you had.

And, you know what, ma? I am not sorry.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to be Hungry

Dear Aditi,
   My exams are going on, which means that I have spent majority of my time staring at a green wall thinking about life, and it's existence.
But that's not what I want to talk about. What I want to talk about is our plan to live together. Now there are many reasons this is not possible, I know it. But wishful thinking. Also anything is better than studying Aristotle's theory of punishment. 
So, our house should have all matte black crockery, and possibly a black sofa. A lot of these will be black. I want a wall, for my projects, but that'll probably be in my own room though. The house will be filled with a lot of crap, like not garbage but random trinkets. I feel like have the fridge will be filled half with orange juice and half with iced tea. And a whole lot of Nutella. Okay, now I am hungry.
Besides that, pujo is happening as well. And I have given education a second seat to God. Maa Durga 4eva. I feel like that is going to offend some people. But I really like muglai porota, and fish fry. And I am hungry again.

Bi! 
Upa.

How To Be Vague

Dear Upa,
                We've messed up big time with the posting. We're both pretty bad at keeping track of days anyway in general so I guess it was bound to happen.

So living in Delhi is not that bad now that I have Buddy, but it's obviously slightly inconvenient. But you're coming here in 23 days!!!!!!!!!
That is so exciting. I am excited. It's going to be so much fun. Did I mention I'm excited?

So, recently I was in a situation where one of my best friends did something terrible and dishonest that hurt someone else. Not a first, I know, but this wasn't me that was hurt but some other person that I didn't know. And they felt really really bad about it. And I didn't know what I should do, should I console them or yell at them for being a terrible person. I did both. I couldn't help care about them. But instead of me consoling them, they were the one saying that it was one mistake and that they've suffered enough.

That vague crappy description aside, I wanted to say that I'm pissed. What sucks the most is when your own best friends turn out to be the ones that do all these terrible things, because I'm always left wondering why the hell I choose such people.

Yeah. Life is tough. I sent a message to the other person who was hurt by my friend, someone I have never met in my life, telling them to take care of themself and that it'll be okay. I hope that they're not stupid enough to trust my friend again. And I hope the same for me.

Being vague sucks.

Bye for now,
Aditi. 

How to Make a Movie

Dear Aditi,
  My exams are coming soon, which means that I get my best ideas around this time. And sadly also means I can't start working on it until my exams are over.
That's kind of a lie. I could start working on it, but when I have an excuse to not do it. I just don't. It's a horrible trait I have, and I want to get rid of it. But don't know how.
As mentioned, I get my best ideas during this time. One of the ideas being making a short film. Those artsy ones, which very few people watch. And even fewer like. And little to none of the people understand.  Those films that if you speak about you sound fancy and cultured. Now I am not fancy, nor am I cultured. But I do enjoy these stuff. And even more so because I am suppose to be studying. 
And I want to make one. But for that I will need a lot of thing. Firstly, a tripod. Secondly, an actor. Or maybe a camera person, then I could be an actor. But I am not good that acting. I mean I am fair enough, just not as good as I would like to be.
Maybe I will start working on being a better actor.
And cut scene!
Upa.

How to Move

Dear Upa,
                I've moved. 
Technically, I shifted to Delhi when I started school here in April, but back then it was like pulling through till the next checkpoint when I could come back to Mumbai. Now my dad and my dog are finally here, and that means that I've finally moved and I have no reason to come back. 
        Bringing Buddy to Delhi was fun. He was surprisingly well behaved and only terrorised a few of the railway staff. But I had forgotten how fun train journeys could be. Seeing Buddy adapt to the new surroundings was also kind of fun. I'm just so relieved I don't have to leave him again. He's so happy, and I think he doesn't really care all that much where he is as long as he is with his family. 
        The funny thing about moving is that no matter how many times you do it, it doesn't get any easier. I wouldn't say I'm exactly sad or upset, I just feel strange. All of a sudden I just don't live in the house I called home for so many years, and even when I come to Mumbai, I won't go back there. I didn't really have a theatrical moment where I looked back at the house and smiled at all the memories I had there and reminisced about the past. The only memorable moment was when my sister and I stood infront of the cupboard and I said, "Hey, remember when I tied up the doors of these cupboards together? So you wouldn't be able to look in the mirror and get distracted and could study for your exam?" And she laughed and said "Yeah".
And that was it. An awkward, abrupt goodbye, with me wondering what I should be feeling. I guess when it comes to stuff like this, there never really is a right moment to say goodbye. 

Bye for now,
Aditi. 

How to make friends

Dear Aditi, 
   I am socially awkward. But I am not really shy. I am a mistake and I just continue on not giving a damn. This is the usually process of how I make friends.
And because of my shameless weirdness, I end up being friends with the strange people. Not one of the people I like are normal. I know only a handful of 'normal' people; but I usually end up calling them boring. And being boring kinda sucks.
I have realised I cannot hold conversation with normal people because my conversation starters are usually the weirdest things. Like animal facts. I really love animal facts. I really love animal facts. And talking about weird things I have read on tumblr. Or incidents that happen to me on public transport. And there are so many. 
People in Mumbai are very... strange. Sometimes in a good way. Sometimes in a scary way. Sometimes both.
Tata,
Upa.

How to Dream

Dear Upa,
                It sounded like you're going through an existential crisis, of sorts. Now, I'm no Dan Howell, but I've had my fair share of existential crises. And at least I can relate to you on the fact that it does really suck.
The love thing, I'm clueless. But I hope it works out, one way or another. I don't know how to be useful to you on this matter with my amateur advice and limited experience, but I will tell you to try not to force your feelings. You will feel what you will feel, whether you like it or not, so there is absolutely no point beating yourself up about it.
If you don't want to do anything about it, just enjoy her company and being around her till you eventually get over her and laugh at your past self. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. It may be painful, but enjoy this time and make full use of the happiness she brings you.
I did say my advice may suck.
She is pretty great though.

As for the existential crisis thing, I know far too well where you're coming from. I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I don't know if I want to be a lawyer. I don't know what I should do with my life. And I don't expect myself to know what I should do with my life at 16.

The other day I realised that I have no dreams. And by that I mean you know how some people have crazy dreams? About becoming a famous singer or astronaut or something? Something crazy, that probably won't ever happen but yet you spend every waking hour thinking about it? Yeah. I realised I had none. I had no dreams. I had read about them, heard about them, watched Disney movies that glorified them, but I didn't have them. I mean like I do have dreams like meeting Dan and Phil, and living with you, but I didn't have something that I wanted to be if the world was ideal. This means that I had just resigned to the path laid down for me and not even thought of anything crazy that I wanted to do with my life.

But now, I think I do. I don't think I'm going to mention it here for now, but I think I have a dream. It may never come true, but it's still there. It feels new, but it feels amazing. I still don't know what I should do with my life, but I think I finally know what I want to.

Bye for now,

Aditi. 

How to Not Be In Love

Dear Aditi,
   Life is moving so fast. I feel like I am rushing in everything I am doing. But then it moves too slow and I am wondering why am I doing what I am doing. What is the point of doing this? What is the meaning of life?
I don't know. And I try not to care. I don't want to care, because caring makes it real. But atleast I have a job now. Sort of.  Which I am scared for but also excited. So that's cool. And also tiring. Still cool though. 
I might, or might not be half dead while writing this. The reason is, probably because of that girl I talked about.
Who I am in love with.
Who I was in love with.
Who I thought I was in love with. 
Who I am probably not in love with.
Who I am trying desperately not to be in love with.
Yeah, it's hard. I think she doesn't know what love is, or atleast that is what I am telling myself to keep what little sanity i have going for me. But she probably doesn't know what love is.
Love you lots,
Upa.

How Not To Be Unhappy

Dear Upa,

                I’m so late. Soz. I was busy writing exams, but they’re over for now, and I’m relieved.

Don’t worry about feeling like you’re a bad Dauntless though, because I know for a fact that I’m a crap Erudite. I don’t think I’d even pass initiation because of how much I procrastinate. So I understand.

So I wrote the worst paper ever the other day, and I was very very upset. And I thought my mom would be upset too, but she wasn’t and she took me shopping and made me feel better. But I still couldn’t get over it. I’m a bit better now because the next paper went great and I’m about to go to an Amusement Park. I’m also going to come to Mumbai day after tomorrow, and this time, finally, Buddy and my dad come here along with us. That does mean I won’t have a reason to keep coming back to Mumbai, but we’ll find a way. I’m trying to look at the brighter side of everything because, and this may come as a shock, I really hate being unhappy.

Besides, there are so many things to be happy about. I’ll see you soon.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to Be Brave

Dear Aditi,
   I saw a lizard last night. In my house. On the window. And like the brave dauntless I claim to be, I went running to my mother wanted to be comforted by her. I was in this state somewhere between crying and laughing. Probably both.
In the most motherly fashion, she made fun of my fear of lizards. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted mumma to get rid of the lizard. She didn't do that.
I managed to get her to the room to see the lizard that scared me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wanted her to be scared as well so she would know what it feels like. Obviously, I knew she wouldn't be.
And then  that useless git decided to hide from my mother. You would think that it is all okay now, but no. The moment my mother left me. It decided to show up again.
I ran away to the other room and haven't entered the lizard room since. I know, I am a top notch dauntless.
Be brave,
Upa.

How to Use Your Hair

Dear Upa,
                I love your new hair. I also loved your old hair. I love how you can get any haircut, and still look good and get away with it. I think it's about confidence, or about not giving a shit. Or both.

Now, I don't know if I can get away with just anything. I'm pretty sure I can't though. I don't remember deciding to grow my hair out, it sort of just happened and then before I knew it people started telling me stuff like "Wow, your hair is so long!" and complimenting it a whole lot and getting emotionally invested in it. You remember when people used to take my plait and smell it and stuff? Once one of our class mates brought a ruler out and started measuring how long my plait was. Some person would count how many knots are in the plait and some would also start braiding it themselves. You know I'm not exaggerating.

My hair is probably the first thing that made me feel more confident about myself. It wasn't because of the validation other people gave me, it was because of how much I liked the feeling of just having long hair. It was so satisfying.

Hair (or no hair) is so important. It can be used as a medium of expression for who you are. I'm glad you're using yours so well.

As for me, most of the time I don't even realise that I supposedly have long hair. The times I do, like when I'm shampooing it or combing it and getting annoyed over how much of it there is, I think about cutting it short and then realise that out of all the attached people that will kill me if I cut my hair, it's probably me that's the most attached to it.

Also, exams suck.

Bye for now,
Aditi. 

How to Get a Haircut

Dear Aditi,
   I got a haircut yesterday. It was one of the most fun I have had in the cutting place. I wanted an undercut, which basically means the top of your hair remains long and the sides are shaved. So when I mentioned it, the people gave me a look basically saying you're crazy but we like crazy.
I was also asked thrice why I chose this haircut. The actually answer for that is that I wanted Hannah Hart's hairstyle. Because she is goals on what a person should be. Instead of telling the truth I awkwardly said,  "I saw it on the Internet and I liked it." It isn't a lie but it isn't the truth either.
Anyway, this haircut the sort of one where nobody knew what they were doing. They asked for my opinion, probably hoping to get some direction. But I am useless as fuck and didn't really help because I didn't know myself.
The end result turned out great though. Apart from the shaved area, my hair goes completely asymmetrical. From long to short to very long. Well not as long as your hair, but the longest hair on my head.
I realised just how much I enjoy getting my hair cutting. It is just so much fun to try something new. Sometimes it isn't new though. But usually I try to get a hair cut that is noticeable. Because I like getting attention on my asthetic. Hence I put a lot of thought into it.
Playing with the shaved part of hair is so much fun. It's like petting a dog but the dog is me. If you haven't caught on, I am really passionate about my hair.
See you later,
Upa.

How to Get a Haircut

Dear Aditi,
   I got a haircut yesterday. It was one of the most fun I have had in the cutting place. I wanted an undercut, which basically means the top of your hair remains long and the sides are shaved. So when I mentioned it, the people gave me a look basically saying you're crazy but we like crazy.
I was also asked thrice why I chose this haircut. The actually answer for that is that I wanted Hannah Hart's hairstyle. Because she is goals on what a person should be. Instead of telling the truth I awkwardly said,  "I saw it on the Internet and I liked it." It isn't a lie but it isn't the truth either.
Anyway, this haircut the sort of one where nobody knew what they were doing. They asked for my opinion, probably hoping to get some direction. But I am useless as fuck and didn't really help because I didn't know myself.
The end result turned out great though. Apart from the shaved area, my hair goes completely asymmetrical. From long to short to very long. Well not as long as your hair, but the longest hair on my head.
I realised just how much I enjoy getting my hair cutting. It is just so much fun to try something new. Sometimes it isn't new though. But usually I try to get a hair cut that is noticeable. Because I like getting attention on my asthetic. Hence I put a lot of thought into it.
Playing with the shaved part of hair is so much fun. It's like petting a dog but the dog is me. If you haven't caught on, I am really passionate about my hair.
See you later,
Upa.

How Not To Prepare For Exams

Dear Upa,

                I had forgotten how much I hated exams. I really, really hate exams.

Now, it’s not writing the actual exam that stresses me out, it’s the days leading up to them. I am a huge procrastinator, as you are well aware, so having lots of holidays and doing something I’m expected to do is something that I am not capable of. I could exalt the joy of learning and acquiring knowledge, but in truth I just while away the time that I have and end up cramming in last minute. It’s not that I don’t care about the exams, I usually get super worked up, but when it comes to actually staring at the dull interior of a text book for 24 hours, I am rendered physically inept. 

Everyone around me is freaking out and studying all the time while I blankly stare at the textbook, get bored, and then distracted. People are so worried about how they have like 2 chapters remaining and I’m here with the whole portion left.

The worst part though, if it can get any worse, is that literally no one believes me when I say that I don’t study. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care what they think, it’s just that everyone else thinking I study all the time makes me feel pressurised to study, like I’m going to let everyone down if I don’t. But I was taught to not give in to peer pressure, so even that is not enough to get me studying. 

And I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried scaring myself, thinking I’m going to fail in all the exams, telling myself that there are people out there who don’t even have the opportunity to study while I’m wasting away my privileges, but nope. Nothing works.

So I’m just going to whine about how difficult my socially advantaged first world life is instead of studying. At least I get to meet you after this hell is over.

Bye for now, 

Aditi.

How to Attend A Performance

Dear Aditi,
   Today I attended a concert. Well, a small one. It was by a Delhi based band called Mahadev Vibes. I attended it because I wanted to have new experiences.
So the lead singer. He had the most beautiful flawless locks of hair. He had the type of hair you could write fanfiction about. And his confidence. It blew me away. I was impressed by Mr. Lead Singer. (His name might be Shiv, but I could be wrong on that.)
There were two guys on two gituars; and they were so happy. That type of happiness that makes you happy. I liked them.
And the last, and definitely my favourite was the drummer. He had a goofy grin on while playing, and just seemed like he was having the time of his life. He wasn't in the limelight. I am sure a few wouldn't even notice his presence, but that didn't seem to bother Mr. Drummer.
This is a good time to mention, that this was a rock concert. Almost boarder lining metal. And I didn't really pay attention to the music. I didn't need to, the guys were selling it well on stage.
Confidence is the key.
Yours sincerely,
Upa.

How to Like Change

Dear Upa,

                Sorry I'm late. I don't have a good enough excuse. Basically, I forgot about all my work and then conveniently remembered about it on Sunday night and did it frantically in the course of the next 4 hours. Fun weekends. 

Anyway, I'm so freaking excited about our YouTube channel (#spon). Not only because of all the love and support we're getting from the people we know,  but because it's driving us to do things we haven't before. It's making me think differently. And it's already pushing me out of my comfort zone and making me do things I would have never imagined I was capable of doing. 

It's only been a bit more than a week and I'm not even sure what I can do. Maybe I can cook. I mean, I'm not going to lie, I make great lemonade. 

..Wow this went in a completely different direction lol

What I'm saying is, maybe I feel the same. Change is good sometimes. 

Bye for now,

Aditi. 

How to Try Something New

Dear Aditi, 
   I love trying new things. I am almost always up for a change, as long as I know that I have a way to come back to normal if I want. I wouldn't call it risk. I don't like taking a risk. There is a problem of trying new things all the time though, it is hard. 
It's like a fish out of water situation, and then I get comfortable. And then I crave change. (Except like if I were actually a fish out of water, I'd be dead.) It is a bloody stupid cycle of wanting change. 
I am not an adventurous person. I will still religiously scroll through Tumblr and YouTube. I just can't be content for long. It's just dumb, but I always find ways to find new things- so I am quite happy right now. 
So the reason I started writing this is because I was vlogging, and it was quite new for me to talk to a camera. I have watched it a million times but actually doing it alone is so weird. I like it though, and now I have to edit it and try to find some content between all the shit I spout. 
Bii!!!!!!
Upa, 

How To Feel At Home

Dear Upa, 

                 Have you ever witnessed a moment which seems like it should belong in a movie? A moment which feels like it should be accompanied with theatrical background music and dramatic camera angles. A moment so strangely random, yet so strangely special, that you’re confused over why it means so much but know that it is significant. A moment which, for an instant, feels like more than just a moment. Because I have.

It was when, after an extremely turbulent and delayed journey because of a thunderstrom, I saw the clouds part and the Mumbai emerge from the greyness. The city, sprawled out beneath me,was beautiful. Every skyscraper was reduced to a beam of light, and the roads were gleaming trails of red and yellow lights. The whole city was illuminated, and I’m pretty sure at that moment no one could convince me that it wasn’t the most beautiful city in the world. All my annoyance and exhaustion instantly melted away and I was only filled with happiness.

Conventionally speaking, Mumbai definitely doesn’t top the list of the most beautiful cities in the world. It’s crowded and quite messy, and don’t even get me started on the noise.It’s beauty is unconventional. You won’t notice it until you really notice it, you won’t realise how much the sea, that you happen to look at everyday means till you just don’t look at it everyday. You won’t realise how beautiful the well worn streets are till you have to. It’s beauty lies in the fact that it’s different.

At that moment, looking at it made me so happy because I knew my dog and my dad were down there somewhere, and my friends who I hadn’t seen in AGES. It was beautiful because most of the people I love the most were down there.It was beautiful because it was home.

Meeting you guys again felt so amazing, it was bizarre. If I had to choose between north Mumbai and south Mumbai, I would choose wherever the hell you are, because that epiphany made me realise that I feel happiest when I am home, and my home is the people I love.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

 [Also, we started a YouTube channel with two of our friends, which is great and we should totally give ourselves a promo: click here ].

How to Live in a City

Dear Aditi,
   Why did we decide to name it 'A Tale of Two States.' You live in a big city. I live in in a big city. Both being the biggest cities in our country. 
I do understand that they are different states, but they are cities before the state. And I know that a very good novel is named that, a very good novel which I have yet to read. And don't get me wrong, I do love the name. I probably wouldn't change the name, but that doesn't not make it a very dumb name.
I think I started writing this because it is only recently that realised how fucking big the city is. My whole life I have only been sheltered in Bandra to Santacruz. Anything what of that, I had to be with those parents.  But now I travel everywhere alone, and it is now that the stark difference between the north and the south has really shown itself. I would like to think that I am a mixture of the two, and that may be right. But if I were to chose between the north and south of the Mumbai, I would choose Delhi. Cause that's where you're at.
Welcome back for now,
Upa.

How To Make Things Move Fast

Dear Upa,

                

                 Nothing of great consequence has happened recently. It’s been one of those weeks where a lot happens, but nothing happens.

 Last week has been fun. Things have moved fast. I re-watched Lion King (still gives me goosebumps everytime). I finished Game Of Thrones. I am actually not hating trigonometry, which is my least favourite part of maths. I wrote tests. I went for physiotherapy. I took part in a competition in Maths. I played with puppies. And I’m coming to Mumbai in 6 days.

Yes, being busy is great. I kind of curl up into a worthless ball despair if I have absolutely no work to do, because everyone around me is very busy and I’m just wasting my life. After all, what responsibilities will I shirk to procrastinate if I have no responsibilities at all?

As for travelling, I’m very annoyed. Yeah, alright, I don’t have to deal with being in close proximity with huge crowds of people, but I almost never reach my CLAT classes on time. Either I’m too early or too late, because the traffic here is so unpredictable and if it rains then it takes me twenty minutes extra to reach. But it really could be worse. 

As I said, things have moved fast. It’s been nearly 40 days since I last saw you, and I am so excited to see you again. And the rest of my friends. And Buddy. And my dad. 

Things are not moving nearly fast enough.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to Hate Trains

Dear Aditi,

   I have a very busy life. And I like it. I like the way my mind does not really have any time to while away, and I have to get shit done. I am having a perfect balance of busy but not too busy. I don’t think this will last very long, but I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

The thing about being busy is that there is a lot of travelling. And since I am a college student, and saving money is my number one priority- I have to travel by trains. And that isn’t a fun experience.
Trains aren’t bad, sometimes. But most of the time, they are like a… very crowded place.

I have physically been closer to some random strangers than I have with my friends. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to know that a girl name Zena has a date in Theobroma with a guy ‘too good for her.’ (It is hard not to overhear conversations when they are practically being spoken in your ear. ) But go Zena!These aren’t the people I want to be close to. The people I want to be close to is you. But you are only 238 hours away, walking.

I’ll come walking, soon.

Upa.  

How To Be Abnormal

Dear Upa,

                 This week, I have relatives staying over at my house. It was supposed to be a one day thing, but as you know, one of my cousin granddads suddenly started experiencing breathing problems and had to be rushed to the hospital. And this was shortly after my maid ALSO experienced breathing problems and had to be rushed to the hospital. It was quite scary. My maid is fine, though my granddad had to be admitted. He’s home now though, just not in a condition to travel. So they have been living with us. Because of my cousin granddad’s sickness, the house has been fuller of relatives than it has ever been before. They are absolutely amazing people, don’t get me wrong, but I guess I just forgot how it was to have so many people in the house. 

              What I’m saying is that I forgot how abnormal I am. And how different people can be. If you think about it, there are actually people out there that don’t have their lives consumed by a single fandom. It doesn’t help having people judge my extremely retarded sleeping pattern and the fact that I rarely leave my room when I’m home. And I swear to god they’ve asked me why I won’t have rice for lunch or dinner at least a hundred times, the lack of rice in my diet has left them absolutely scandalised. 

                 But they’re nice, and it’s fun. I do love sitting in the dark alone for ages in front of my laptop, but having people around is not the worst thing in the world. Inconvenient, yes, but I can live with it. I blame you though, because it’s your fault I’m so used to being around people who are as abnormal as me. Can’t wait to see you again! 

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to Not Have a Point

Dear Aditi,
   I am proud of you. You are a good person. I wish I was a good person. But I am not.
I mean, I am too in love with myself to change anything about myself for others. But I see others around me do it, and it is hilarious. Because they try so hard to be someone they are not that they end up making a fool of themselves.
I admire people who can be true to themselves. A few days ago, I met a guy in the train. He was a trans male, and decided to be in the ladies compartment- because he could pass of as a woman and it was practically empty.
He was a very cool person, who liked Alt-J.(that is a music band, for anyone who doesn't know.) So I like him. He was also hot, but that isn't the point. Actually, what is the point.
I love you. I love myself. I love people who aren't afraid to be who they are. I love Alt-J.
With Love,
Upa.

How Not To Make Friends

Dear Upa,

                Your post is way too relatable. I love YouTube. Other than the fact that you know, it has great video technology and can stream the most obscure, wonderful things in HD in the matter of a second (if your internet connection is good, that is), I also love how it connects people. Any one can just share a video of them eating cereal (looking at you, Charlieissocoollike) and someone across the world can watch it. It’s literally impossible to feel lonely. 

For example, one of our friends (the one you refer to as Evad) and I were talking on the phone, and he said that going to Delhi is good for me in the way that I have less distractions and can study, which is true, but then he waited a moment and said, “But then again, you have Dan and Phil wherever you go.”

And that’s true. I hate being lonely, I really do. I’m terrified of feeling alone, which is probably the biggest problem I faced when I shifted to Delhi initially (that and the moment I realised that Delhi won’t have Bombay Blues). So basically, I’m afraid of talking to new people, but I’m also afraid of having no one to talk to. I am an extremely flawed human being, as you may have realised. But Dan and Phil coupled with talking to you and the others made me feel not alone. The most important people in my life still made me happy. And that is brilliant.

Speaking of being alone, I learned something about myself. Two things, actually. Even though I hate being alone more than most things, I still won’t go out of my way to fit in. In my second CLAT class, we had to write a mock test which was really hard because we hadn’t learned anything yet, it was only so we could know where we stand. Most people hadn’t made friends yet, but they bonded over the next two hours exchanging answers and googling them and stuff. But I refused to join in or cheat. I realised doing what I think is morally right is more important to me than fitting in or getting marks in a test, and not fitting in TERRIFIES me. This could be a good thing or a bad thing. You could say that I’m no fun, which is probably true, but I think it’s a good thing. I’m proud of myself.

The second thing I learned is that my General Knowledge is horrible because I knew like one answer lol

I miss you so much.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to be Obsessed

Dear Aditi,
     Reading your last message made me really emotional. So much so that my friend in the train thought that I was having problems. I have never been away from anyone I love, except you. But I understand that it is difficult for you. I shall give you mental moral support.
I do much of my reading and writing on the train or the bus. Much like Carrie Hope Fletcher I guess. I probably subconsciously picked it up from her.
I do that a lot. Emulate people I look up to. Most of them are( not surprisingly) YouTubers.  I probably picked up the all black asthetic from Danisnotonfire. The time I started watching him and changing my wardrobe match. The origami dragons is from Itswaypastmybedtime. The gore makeup (and makeup in general) is from Klairedelysart. The manga drawing was inspired from Mark Crilley. The two socks is from Amazing Phil. The 'Bi!' Is from Itsgrace. There are many many more YouTubers or just a video that has actually changed me.
I felt the need to write this because YouTubeis just such a big part of our life.
I don't know,
Upa. 

How To Deal With Loving Your Buddy

Dear Upa,

                I know I'm early, but I was lying awake thinking about how much I miss Buddy and it reminded me of your blogpost. So I decided that writing about it is probably going to make me feel better, as it does always.
              While I read your post, all I could think of was that I can't really relate. But I'm happy for you. As for your reasons, I think only the first is valid. Being with her shouldn't make you bunk or the time limit shouldn't scare you off. Don't waste the time you have thinking of what may happen. But by all means, take your time and do what you must. I know that it's quite a rubbish feeling to see her right infront of you and not be able to do anything about it, but I also imagine that it's also wonderful in the strangest of ways. Yes, being in love can be terrible, but having someone to love is amazing.
           That's how I feel about love. That it causes a lot of unnecessary pain. Like right now, I miss Buddy (my dog who is still in Mumbai as context to the fictional readers who might be confused) so much. I also love him so much. That's the problem. It feels so empty to not have him close to me.
             I don't think I can put into words the relationship I have with my dog, and I'm guessing every owner has the same relationship with their pets. Words diminish the feelings they contain. All I can say is that it is something like having a piece of my heart walking around outside me. He's one of the most beautiful things on this planet, and I wouldn't change anything about him for the entire world. I miss his annoying incessant barking and stupid face when he chews up all my favourite things. I miss his wagging tail and the noise his nails make when he walks on the tile floor. I miss how annoying he is when he wakes me up so I can pick him up on the bed or when he wants water. Staying away from him is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. He's not just a dog to me, he is a source of love and happiness. He radiates happiness. He is happiness.
            Despite all the pain being away from him is causing me, I do think it's worth it. I'm going to see him again. And I'm going to see you again. I can wait. Love is always worth it.
 
After all, all magic comes with a price.

Bye for now,


Aditi.

How to Love

Dear Aditi,
   I thought I knew what love was. I mean, I have read enough shoujo manga and fluffy fanfictions to know.  But turns out I never did. Until now.
It painful, and yet I refuse to leave it alone. She makes me feel something unexplainable. And I know that is would make sense if I pursued her, or got some intention of being with her. But I honestly don't want to unless it comes knocking on my door.
You must be thinking this is a dumb idea, and it probably is. But I have my reasons. One, my education and the university I want to get into is more important than love.  Two, if I were with her I know I would he bunking periods. Three, we will probably end up in different places after two years- and that makes it feel like this love has a time stamp.
I talk about myself a lot, not enough about you. I miss randomly hugging you all the time. I miss those morning where I would come to your class until the last second that the teacher was in class. I miss coming to your house all the time. I miss you. 
With Love,
Upa.

P.S. I am writing this in the cab, and the driver is playing the funniest hindi songs.

How To Pull Yourself Up

Dear Upa, 

                

              Yes, I am a HUGE hoarder. I don't know, I just don’t throw stuff out. Somethings just can’t be replaced. Sometimes you need something physical that you can hold and remind yourself of things that you want to remember. I mean it sucks that you don’t agree with your family on this matter, and if it really bothers you that much and you can’t do anything about it, just ignore it’s presence. Or break it. On second thought, don’t do that. Just pretend it doesn't exist. Or try appreciating it. Or don’t.                 

Anyway, sorry I am late. I was sick.

And by sick I mean really, really sick, so sick that I wondered if I remembered being sick to be that horrific. I mean, COME ON. I’m a kid. Being sick should be fun because I get to miss school and have an excuse to not do any work. But it was horrible. I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t read or use my phone or laptop because it made my eyes and head hurt. All I was able to do was sleep or lie around aimlessly thinking what my life has come to and about the amount of work I’m missing because I can’t function. 

So I took a week off from school, and had a test today that I was very prepared for. I was better over the weekend but felt sick again in the morning, dreading the idea of spending six hours sitting up in the sweltering heat in a building full of loud, obnoxious teenagers, but I told my self that enough was enough and that I need to suck it up and go to school and give the damn test.

And that worked out great for me- I fainted. And threw up. And because I hadn’t eaten anything all day I basically felt like I was coughing up my insides. I also missed the test. Fun.

Anyway, while I lay on a strangely comfortable bed in the sick bay at school, waiting to be picked up, listening to the nurse telling a seventh grade boy how to go to the toilet so that his stomach stops hurting (which made for a very pleasant ambience), I wondered if maybe sometimes I am too hard on myself. 

Do I expect too much from myself? Or do I not expect enough? Or is the fact that I feel like I don’t expect enough from myself a testimony to the fact that I do? I don’t know. I am my worst critic, I scrutinise everything I do and I guess I am the reason I have a major inferiority complex sometimes. I mean, can you ever really go higher at something if the thing pushing you down is you?

Anyway, I’m going to get my life back on track. I’m also going to try my best to give a retest for the one I missed. I guess I’m tired of looking up at the places I could be if I tried climbing. Maybe it’s time to give myself a hand and help myself up instead of looking down on myself from afar.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to Throw Away

Dear Aditi,
    Have you ever hated something you much that just looking at it annoys you? I have that feeling often. This time it is for a chair. A dumb broken chair which takes up too much fucking space which the hoarders in my family refuse to throw. 
Why do people feel the need to keep everything? I do throw away a lot of stuff. It's broken. It doesn't work.  I have a replacement. I live with a set of people who can't throw stuff out.
I don't know, are you a hoarder? Do you have the constant urge to keep everything incase one day you happen to need it?
Bi,
Upa.

How To Not Know (And Not Care)

Dear Upa,
               
                Don't worry, that is absolutely normal, and it happens to the best of us. It will pass, so chill.

 Anyway, remember that phase when you were with me in Delhi when I started replying to everything with "idk and idc"? And then you guys started saying it too? Well, I kind of truly understand that now.

Like, a few months ago, for as long back as I can remember, I used to hate not knowing. I knew what I was doing and what I was going to do the next day, and the day after that, and- well, you get the picture. But now I just really don't know. Everything is so unexpected! Like my mom telling me she has stuff to do important business-y in Mumbai two weeks after we're back?! And so I can come for a weekend SPECIFICALLY the day our friend decided to have a party, and I get really good marks in tests I didn't study for at all and thought I would fail in, and just everything in general is so weird that I wouldn't care to think that it would end up happening. But it did. Yay.

So yes, I don't know. I don't have a tiny clue what the hell is happening and I don't know why, but you know what? I really don't care.

Also, school isn't half bad. I don't mind it. There is the fact that I can't sit on the internet all day or read, and there is the whole going out of the house problem, but other than that, I guess I can live with it.

Also an update on the whole procrastination thing: I realised that just because I procrastinate doesn't mean I don't get any work done, what actually happens is that I start unbelievably late and then do it, which results in anything between little to no sleep. I spent the last whole week at school sleep deprived. That is a problem.

I also have a terrible back ache and it hurts a lot. :(

But, for now, I do know that this will pass. I'll deal with it the only way I know how: idk & idc.

Bye for now,


Aditi.