How to Dream

Dear Upa,
                It sounded like you're going through an existential crisis, of sorts. Now, I'm no Dan Howell, but I've had my fair share of existential crises. And at least I can relate to you on the fact that it does really suck.
The love thing, I'm clueless. But I hope it works out, one way or another. I don't know how to be useful to you on this matter with my amateur advice and limited experience, but I will tell you to try not to force your feelings. You will feel what you will feel, whether you like it or not, so there is absolutely no point beating yourself up about it.
If you don't want to do anything about it, just enjoy her company and being around her till you eventually get over her and laugh at your past self. Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. It may be painful, but enjoy this time and make full use of the happiness she brings you.
I did say my advice may suck.
She is pretty great though.

As for the existential crisis thing, I know far too well where you're coming from. I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I don't know if I want to be a lawyer. I don't know what I should do with my life. And I don't expect myself to know what I should do with my life at 16.

The other day I realised that I have no dreams. And by that I mean you know how some people have crazy dreams? About becoming a famous singer or astronaut or something? Something crazy, that probably won't ever happen but yet you spend every waking hour thinking about it? Yeah. I realised I had none. I had no dreams. I had read about them, heard about them, watched Disney movies that glorified them, but I didn't have them. I mean like I do have dreams like meeting Dan and Phil, and living with you, but I didn't have something that I wanted to be if the world was ideal. This means that I had just resigned to the path laid down for me and not even thought of anything crazy that I wanted to do with my life.

But now, I think I do. I don't think I'm going to mention it here for now, but I think I have a dream. It may never come true, but it's still there. It feels new, but it feels amazing. I still don't know what I should do with my life, but I think I finally know what I want to.

Bye for now,

Aditi. 

How to Not Be In Love

Dear Aditi,
   Life is moving so fast. I feel like I am rushing in everything I am doing. But then it moves too slow and I am wondering why am I doing what I am doing. What is the point of doing this? What is the meaning of life?
I don't know. And I try not to care. I don't want to care, because caring makes it real. But atleast I have a job now. Sort of.  Which I am scared for but also excited. So that's cool. And also tiring. Still cool though. 
I might, or might not be half dead while writing this. The reason is, probably because of that girl I talked about.
Who I am in love with.
Who I was in love with.
Who I thought I was in love with. 
Who I am probably not in love with.
Who I am trying desperately not to be in love with.
Yeah, it's hard. I think she doesn't know what love is, or atleast that is what I am telling myself to keep what little sanity i have going for me. But she probably doesn't know what love is.
Love you lots,
Upa.

How Not To Be Unhappy

Dear Upa,

                I’m so late. Soz. I was busy writing exams, but they’re over for now, and I’m relieved.

Don’t worry about feeling like you’re a bad Dauntless though, because I know for a fact that I’m a crap Erudite. I don’t think I’d even pass initiation because of how much I procrastinate. So I understand.

So I wrote the worst paper ever the other day, and I was very very upset. And I thought my mom would be upset too, but she wasn’t and she took me shopping and made me feel better. But I still couldn’t get over it. I’m a bit better now because the next paper went great and I’m about to go to an Amusement Park. I’m also going to come to Mumbai day after tomorrow, and this time, finally, Buddy and my dad come here along with us. That does mean I won’t have a reason to keep coming back to Mumbai, but we’ll find a way. I’m trying to look at the brighter side of everything because, and this may come as a shock, I really hate being unhappy.

Besides, there are so many things to be happy about. I’ll see you soon.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to Be Brave

Dear Aditi,
   I saw a lizard last night. In my house. On the window. And like the brave dauntless I claim to be, I went running to my mother wanted to be comforted by her. I was in this state somewhere between crying and laughing. Probably both.
In the most motherly fashion, she made fun of my fear of lizards. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted mumma to get rid of the lizard. She didn't do that.
I managed to get her to the room to see the lizard that scared me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wanted her to be scared as well so she would know what it feels like. Obviously, I knew she wouldn't be.
And then  that useless git decided to hide from my mother. You would think that it is all okay now, but no. The moment my mother left me. It decided to show up again.
I ran away to the other room and haven't entered the lizard room since. I know, I am a top notch dauntless.
Be brave,
Upa.

How to Use Your Hair

Dear Upa,
                I love your new hair. I also loved your old hair. I love how you can get any haircut, and still look good and get away with it. I think it's about confidence, or about not giving a shit. Or both.

Now, I don't know if I can get away with just anything. I'm pretty sure I can't though. I don't remember deciding to grow my hair out, it sort of just happened and then before I knew it people started telling me stuff like "Wow, your hair is so long!" and complimenting it a whole lot and getting emotionally invested in it. You remember when people used to take my plait and smell it and stuff? Once one of our class mates brought a ruler out and started measuring how long my plait was. Some person would count how many knots are in the plait and some would also start braiding it themselves. You know I'm not exaggerating.

My hair is probably the first thing that made me feel more confident about myself. It wasn't because of the validation other people gave me, it was because of how much I liked the feeling of just having long hair. It was so satisfying.

Hair (or no hair) is so important. It can be used as a medium of expression for who you are. I'm glad you're using yours so well.

As for me, most of the time I don't even realise that I supposedly have long hair. The times I do, like when I'm shampooing it or combing it and getting annoyed over how much of it there is, I think about cutting it short and then realise that out of all the attached people that will kill me if I cut my hair, it's probably me that's the most attached to it.

Also, exams suck.

Bye for now,
Aditi. 

How to Get a Haircut

Dear Aditi,
   I got a haircut yesterday. It was one of the most fun I have had in the cutting place. I wanted an undercut, which basically means the top of your hair remains long and the sides are shaved. So when I mentioned it, the people gave me a look basically saying you're crazy but we like crazy.
I was also asked thrice why I chose this haircut. The actually answer for that is that I wanted Hannah Hart's hairstyle. Because she is goals on what a person should be. Instead of telling the truth I awkwardly said,  "I saw it on the Internet and I liked it." It isn't a lie but it isn't the truth either.
Anyway, this haircut the sort of one where nobody knew what they were doing. They asked for my opinion, probably hoping to get some direction. But I am useless as fuck and didn't really help because I didn't know myself.
The end result turned out great though. Apart from the shaved area, my hair goes completely asymmetrical. From long to short to very long. Well not as long as your hair, but the longest hair on my head.
I realised just how much I enjoy getting my hair cutting. It is just so much fun to try something new. Sometimes it isn't new though. But usually I try to get a hair cut that is noticeable. Because I like getting attention on my asthetic. Hence I put a lot of thought into it.
Playing with the shaved part of hair is so much fun. It's like petting a dog but the dog is me. If you haven't caught on, I am really passionate about my hair.
See you later,
Upa.

How to Get a Haircut

Dear Aditi,
   I got a haircut yesterday. It was one of the most fun I have had in the cutting place. I wanted an undercut, which basically means the top of your hair remains long and the sides are shaved. So when I mentioned it, the people gave me a look basically saying you're crazy but we like crazy.
I was also asked thrice why I chose this haircut. The actually answer for that is that I wanted Hannah Hart's hairstyle. Because she is goals on what a person should be. Instead of telling the truth I awkwardly said,  "I saw it on the Internet and I liked it." It isn't a lie but it isn't the truth either.
Anyway, this haircut the sort of one where nobody knew what they were doing. They asked for my opinion, probably hoping to get some direction. But I am useless as fuck and didn't really help because I didn't know myself.
The end result turned out great though. Apart from the shaved area, my hair goes completely asymmetrical. From long to short to very long. Well not as long as your hair, but the longest hair on my head.
I realised just how much I enjoy getting my hair cutting. It is just so much fun to try something new. Sometimes it isn't new though. But usually I try to get a hair cut that is noticeable. Because I like getting attention on my asthetic. Hence I put a lot of thought into it.
Playing with the shaved part of hair is so much fun. It's like petting a dog but the dog is me. If you haven't caught on, I am really passionate about my hair.
See you later,
Upa.

How Not To Prepare For Exams

Dear Upa,

                I had forgotten how much I hated exams. I really, really hate exams.

Now, it’s not writing the actual exam that stresses me out, it’s the days leading up to them. I am a huge procrastinator, as you are well aware, so having lots of holidays and doing something I’m expected to do is something that I am not capable of. I could exalt the joy of learning and acquiring knowledge, but in truth I just while away the time that I have and end up cramming in last minute. It’s not that I don’t care about the exams, I usually get super worked up, but when it comes to actually staring at the dull interior of a text book for 24 hours, I am rendered physically inept. 

Everyone around me is freaking out and studying all the time while I blankly stare at the textbook, get bored, and then distracted. People are so worried about how they have like 2 chapters remaining and I’m here with the whole portion left.

The worst part though, if it can get any worse, is that literally no one believes me when I say that I don’t study. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care what they think, it’s just that everyone else thinking I study all the time makes me feel pressurised to study, like I’m going to let everyone down if I don’t. But I was taught to not give in to peer pressure, so even that is not enough to get me studying. 

And I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried scaring myself, thinking I’m going to fail in all the exams, telling myself that there are people out there who don’t even have the opportunity to study while I’m wasting away my privileges, but nope. Nothing works.

So I’m just going to whine about how difficult my socially advantaged first world life is instead of studying. At least I get to meet you after this hell is over.

Bye for now, 

Aditi.

How to Attend A Performance

Dear Aditi,
   Today I attended a concert. Well, a small one. It was by a Delhi based band called Mahadev Vibes. I attended it because I wanted to have new experiences.
So the lead singer. He had the most beautiful flawless locks of hair. He had the type of hair you could write fanfiction about. And his confidence. It blew me away. I was impressed by Mr. Lead Singer. (His name might be Shiv, but I could be wrong on that.)
There were two guys on two gituars; and they were so happy. That type of happiness that makes you happy. I liked them.
And the last, and definitely my favourite was the drummer. He had a goofy grin on while playing, and just seemed like he was having the time of his life. He wasn't in the limelight. I am sure a few wouldn't even notice his presence, but that didn't seem to bother Mr. Drummer.
This is a good time to mention, that this was a rock concert. Almost boarder lining metal. And I didn't really pay attention to the music. I didn't need to, the guys were selling it well on stage.
Confidence is the key.
Yours sincerely,
Upa.