how to honour hixetapesus

Dear Upa,

I don’t know if I’m necessarily an optimistic person. I mean, in my head I’m most definitely not. But when I take into consideration all the posts I write, no matter how depressing the subject matter, the end is always, always abruptly hopeful.

I’m not entirely sure why I do that. Maybe I want to make the future Aditi feel better if she comes back to read these, or maybe it’s to simulate fake happiness to resemble to the real thing.

I’m not sad. I’m not content, either. I’m fine, with the occasional existential crisis that is pretty much routine by this point. 

One of the things that has always bothered me is a thought my brain only recently articulated- and it is that I’m a child. I’m 19 years old, which is supposed to be pretty old. Yet, there is so much I haven’t experienced and so much I’m not ready to. There is so much I haven’t even thought about, and so much I don’t want to think about. I can’t help but feel so different from most people my age, like there was some sort of introductory class that I missed. Maybe this is how everyone feels, I don’t know, but I’m really just a child and I don’t think I’m ready to grow up yet.

College, though, feels like a safe space. I don’t know how, but it feels like a home. I’m not sure how I ended up in a place that is my comfort zone while still pushing me out of my comfort zone, and while I’m happy for myself, I’m not sure if I should be.

I’m 19 years old and I don’t know what I’m good at. There are some places where I feel more confident than I do in others, where I find it easier to address a crowd, and I still haven’t figured out why that is.

Most things are a blur, and I’m just waiting for it to clear itself out. 

Anyway, I need you to feel happy. I know it’s not a switch that you can turn on and off and that I can’t just say everything is okay because it’s not, and that I can’t just ask you to simply be happy. But I am. 

You deserve to be happy, and that’s what you’re going to be. And I know I have no way of knowing it for sure. But- surprise- I’m hopeful.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How to try and live

Dear Aditi,

I haven't written in a while. Usually it's cause I forget or life is too busy, but even though life has been busy I didn't want to write a letter.

I just didn't.

But now I have something to talk about, and also you reminded me it's been like 2 weeks. So here I am.

Honestly I kinda realised my life is not as mundane as I think it is. It also isn't as sad as I feel it is. I mean I am getting educated in a university some (quite few) dream of going to. And I get to eat whatever I want. I'm not failing anything. I have people around me who love me for the mess I am. And it's good. It's really good.

Just the other day, a acquaintance (I use the term loosely) called me a bitch for not doing her part of a group project. And you should have seen Nee and Vaish. They were ready to fight. Like literally fight her. And the fact is they aren't the only ones. I have so many people around me. Including you, and I am grateful.

It is still annoyingly difficult to be content when you work your ass off and someone takes it from you only because of their name. And I shouldn't be okay with that. I'm not. I want to fight, but I know that will only make things worse. So for now I work hard. Well, harder.

We had our college Fest in the past two days. It was tiring. Annoying. I fought with more than one faculty about my work. Turns out creativity is not appreciated as much as how pretty the work is. Dumbheads. Also our college fest sucks, so lol.

I had to  go to Chennai today. And my dad booked a return train ticket. Then I took a general ticket at the counter and got on the train.  Never before in my life have I felt like an object as I felt on it. Maybe it's the way blonde hair or the way I dress but practically every single person on that train looked me up and down like an object. So I left and booked a plane ticket. Made my father book a plane ticket. Which he booked twice cause the first one he booked for March 24th. It's been a morning.

Love,
Upa.

how to be born

Dear Upa,

Happy birthday. 

You're 19 now and it's been a decade since I've known you, so it would make sense for me to say that I know everything there is to know about you. But the thing is, I also know you long enough to know that with you, that's really not possible. 

You change faster than your hair does. One minute you're almost a stranger, another, you're the closest another human being can be with me both emotionally and, if I'm lucky, in real life. 

With you, nothing is boring. I wish I could somehow express to you how hard it is to be away from you, but I'm neither a good enough writer nor emoter. It's not that everything completely sucks without you- it's just that you somehow make everything so much better. It's like trying to compare life with absinthe to life before absinthe. Did I just call you absinthe?? Oh well, I know you long enough to know that you're flattered. 

You're the most comfortable adventure I've ever been on. Writing this is just making me miss you more, and now this is messy. 

I guess I'm just going to say that I'm not an easy person to love, but you still somehow do it. That's just how things always are with you; they seldom make sense. There's something about you that makes people love you. You're a pain in the butt and terrible at communication and there are so many things about you that make me mad lmao but a single word from you makes me forget everything, and makes my day instead. 

I'm so soft for you, it's a curse. 

Wow I can't even express how fond I am of you without jokingly being mean someone save me 

I'll try again

Basically, what I want to say is this- your existence alone is one of the happiest things that has ever happened to me. I love you so much, it's not even normal. I'm so lucky to love you. I know that things aren't easy right now, but the thing is, they never have been. You've spent 19 years of your life fighting, and it's been a decade since I've known you, and I know for a fact that you can do this. Thank you for being by my side, and know that I'm always going to be by yours. Even if you're sitting in Bangalore and I'm sitting in Delhi and who knows where we may sit in the future, my favourite place has always been the one next to you a decade ago. 

I'm so grateful. 

I love you. 

Bye for now,

Aditi.

ps. lol you're old too now fam 

pps. this whole thing was written before ur birthday sorry for being very no fun