How to test

Dear Aditi,

I have realised that the sadder I am, the less words I write. There is no real deep meaning to that, except that my mind keeps focusing on the negative and I really don't want to keep writing about that.

Personally, I think you are doing amazing. And like not personally also- if I knew you as an outsider, you are still doing amazing.

My first round of tests are coming up, which is terrifying because I happen to never complete work on time, or just before time. And redbull becomes my new fave. It's not a very nice time, but I gotta do it.

And I am.

Trying.

Fighting.

Love,
Upa.

how to 전진 전진

Dear Upa,

I think I’ve figured out what my problem is (one of them, at least). I think I care too much. 

I mean, I care exponentially less than I did till a while ago, but where it really matters, I care too much.

And caring isn’t really a bad thing if you aren’t as lazy as I am. But when you’re me, you care too much and do too little, and apart from being one of the most irritating things a person can ever do, it sucks because it usually results in disappointment.

I got an 8.45 SGPA and didn’t get best volunteer for the sponsorship team despite how much I cared about both those things, and that really stung. But then I realised that I didn’t, for one second, consider all of the things I learned in the process. All that mattered to me was the reward. 

I got a 10 in stats, and I wasn’t even sure if I was good enough to take it in the beginning of last sem. I raised 1 lakh and got us the associate sponsor. I learned so so much, and no one can take that away from me.

After spending most of my life only measuring life through academic success, I was used to just getting marks I didn’t even work as hard for. For the first time in my life, I’m not being awarded marks just by simply attempting the paper. For the first time I have to work hard to even understand what we’re learning in class, and for the first time, I care about things other than academics.

As someone who thought that academics was the only thing I ever had going for me, I’m learning that marks are only one of the many things that I definitely don’t have as together as I thought I did, and I’m also learning that that’s okay.

I’ve only ever worked for things if I was sure I would be awarded something for it, and that sucks.

Ever since I got my SGPA, I’ve stopped worrying. There is no way I’m not going to get marks in these 3 years because that’s not who I am, so I don’t need to worry about that. I’m interested in knowing more and caring less. I’m going to believe that it’ll lead somewhere. I’ll keep going.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

how to be

Dear Aditi,

You know that state where you aren't particularly happy, nor particularly sad. It's where you are just fine. That's been the type of week it has been for me.

I have had a lot of bad luck situations, like not having my cheque book because my dad doesn't trust me with it and hence I can't pay my fees. Or like my GPA was an 8.5, which is not that bad but kinda bad. I've sort of made my peace with it, I mean I did the could. I'll just do harder this semester. This one does have subjects I'm better at, so yay!

Apart from school, I have been embracing my red phase. Today I bought red slime, when I went out to buy paper for class, and came back with slime. I'm an adult I swear. Lol.

Love.
Upa.

how to climb

Dear Upa,

I’m five days late lmao, but better late than never, right??

So it’s been a while since I’ve done this, and I’d forgotten how it was to write about every little thing that happened to me. It feels good to have to write again, and I think it’s nice that I look back at my week and think about how it went.

Honestly, it’s a blur. With the two festivals coming up, everything is kind of crazy. I don’t think I even remember everything I have to do, and some things, (like studying), I’m wilfully forgetting.

It’s weird, though. Despite all the sudden influx of work, I’m not stressed or sad, which was kind of a default state last year, so hey! 2018 is already better! Suck it, 2017!

I think it’s because a while back, I realised that even if there are things I wish were better with my life right now (like the fact that I will never find love or that I don’t know how to be rich and successful yet and I can’t seem to stop referring to my invisalign as my teeth which is actually kind of funny so I don't know why I’m complaining lolol “I forgot my teeth at home”), all of this is actually a privilege. I remember scrolling through Quora and thinking in awe about being in this college and being burdened with studies and responsibilities, and that means that happiness is chaotic in the way that it, too, is a ladder you just keep climbing. 

I love the work I’m supposed to be doing cause it’s fun, but I also think it’s character development.  I’m trying to figure out the kind of worker I am, and I think it’s more along the lines of “lazy perfectionist” or something like that. I don’t believe in submitting crap, but my work process is chaotic at best. I also think I can communicate with people fairly well if I have formal business with them. At other times, however… like today at a movie screening, the girl I was sitting next to started crying halfway through the movie, and I panicked. In the beginning I think I subconsciously convinced myself that she just had a cold, but when I looked over, her friend (my enemy) sitting next to her was comforting her. So I just awkwardly rub her arm, a girl I’ve never seen before in my life, and asked her to drink water, which she didn’t want. And then I just kinda ignored her for the rest of the movie (which wasn’t long, thank god) and started thinking about the bts elevator prank (because of course I did) and before leaving, I told her “Take care, I hope your day gets better,” and she smiled at me and I don’t even know why she was crying in the first place I hope she didn’t kill someone cause that warrants a terrible day imo

Anyway, the point to this story is that Mandu asked me how I controlled my laughter because of my laughing-when-people-cry problem, and a few minutes later Gina asked if I laughed, and I realised that I’m a changed person now, who laughs only when the person is crying really funnily!

i’m going to hell

I also spent a looooot of time with dogs this week. Last week and the start of this week was shitty because Chess was so sick, but now he’s finally started eating a little. I think we chased him for 2 hours on Tuesday, and we also brought in Friendicoes three times to pick him up which they weren't able to do. Chess is my baby boy and seeing him in pain made my heart physically hurt, so he better get fine quickly. Did I tell you every dog at Friendicoes has been given a little bed and a little jacket of their own?? Even the really big ones??? And even the little ones??? AAAAA my heart I love dogs

I also love you and I hope you smile a lot today cause its a cute smile and I also love bts look at that it’s I love bts o clock g2g cry over my kids that I raised on my back ohmygod I love them okkkk bye

The only way to climb from here is up.

See you ladder

Bye for now, 

Aditi.

how to have home

Dear Aditi,

I came back to Bangalore. Now I barely spent any time at home, trying my best to be out. I have been calling hostel home recently, but honestly it isn't one no more how homely my friends make it.

For one, there is no bell. I never thought about it before, but I missed having the bell to ring knowing that my mom would greet me. So even though I had the keys with me the entire time, I always rang the bell.

The other thing about home I missed was the freedom. Now, even in the hostel I have freedom. And most people would be freer in the hostel than in their home, but we are quite lucky that way having such chill parents. I drank basically every night, and learned that I make damn good cocktails. And absinthe is the drink of Gods. And I want more.

I also realised that home is my mother's home. Like when I think about our house in Mumbai, she is the only constant. In my mind it's become her house more than mine. And frankly I'm not even that mad.

(I'm not really sure how much of that made sense. I don't really think much while writing. Or doing anything.)

Anyway, back to home. I could be a sap and say you are my home, but I'm a saap so I won't say that. Cause you already know.

Also a new year started. Yay. And I still missed the day I was supposed to post. But I had an important exam to be fair. I really want to not do a 2017 this year.

This year needs to be good. I don't know why it 'needs' to be. But everyone is tired, okay? Including me. So I really need it to be good.

This one really has no cohesion. Oh well.

Love,
Upa.

How to 2018

Dear Upa,

                 It’s a new year.

I look back on when 2017 began and honestly, things were so much more dramatic back then. 2018 was so chill, there were no metaphorical fireworks (there were real ones, I know because I happened to be outside my room when the clock struck 12 which is rare) when undoubtedly the most monumental year of our lives ended. Just like that. Over. A lot like death.

lol

2017 was like a roller coaster with really high highs and really low lows, and 2018 has so far been pretty chill in comparison, even if only 3 days are over. To be honest, it’s hard to start a new year and have real life punch you right in the face after the wonder that was the month of December. My plan for 2018 is to not freak out, to play to my strengths and to think of the most efficient way out of any problem, because that means I have to rely on logic and not emotions (which, for the record, is not one of my strengths). I remember trying to work hard at everything I do last semester, and while it’s a noble strategy, I’ve found that it’s not the easiest to follow. I’m just not made for studying hard, I tried it once and I swear it almost killed me. I’ll just go with the flow instead. Like a a dead leaf caught in downstream current.

Becoming 19 is another thing that happened! My birthday felt weird because it was unlike any of the other birthdays I’ve ever had, but I was grateful (and a little sick because of what I did in Mumbai but honestly I deserve that). There is no excitement left to becoming older anymore, now I’m just ageing, I’ve given in to fate. 

Buddy’s birthday passed too, and he’s 11 now, which means that I haven't spent more time with anyone else in my whole life. I’ve tried many times to write about how much I love him, but as cliched as it sounds, I don’t have the words. I love him, it’s as simple as that. He’s the happiest thing in my life. He’s home.

Which is weird, because I’m a little homesick. I hope we work harder at talking to each other because I miss you already, I want to spend weeks together like we used to. I don't want to stay away from my best friends, it’s lonely and hard to get used to because even if I think I’m used to it, it’s still as hard when I come back. ( ALSO I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SAID YOU'D DEDICATE SPRING DAY TO ME DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MEANS TO ME I SWEAR THAT'S LIKE ONE OF THE TOP 3 BEST THINGS ANYONE CAN SAY TO ME (like,, even above "I'm reading On Patrol")  THAT SONG IS SO CLOSE TO MY HEART IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL I'M CRYING NOW I GOTTA LISTEN TO IT AND CRY MORE I THINK I CAN HAVE A 5 HOUR CONVERSATION ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS SONG and the only reason I'll stop is because I'll start crying)

It’s strange, how less of a life I have in Delhi when college isn’t on and how absolutely okay I am with it. If I was in Mumbai, I would have spent New Years Eve at a house party, probably tipsy (cause let’s be real I don’t get drunk), but instead I spent New Years Eve eating cookies with my dad, hearing Namjoonie’s wise words from So4More as the clock struck 12, ushering the beginning of yet another year.

“It’s been a year. It’s been a motherfucking year.”*

And we all know Namjoonie is never wrong. He has an IQ of 148.

I can feel it. 

2018 is going to be motherhecking great.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

*(I would’ve changed it to “motherhecking year” but I didn’t because censoring joonie is dumb).

Dear Aditi,

I'm writing this to you on your 19th birthday because I feel like it's a tradition now. Or at least it should be one. 

There are 6 minutes left for your birthday to end and honestly I haven't thought of what to say to you, because I forgot I was supposed to write this, so thank god for Vandu reminding you.

So, I guess I'll say this. I'm proud of you. There may be times in your life where you feel like you haven't achieved much, but I know you have. Of course, compared to how much you feel like you should achieve it's nothing, but you have this weird habit of undermining yourself. We need to work on that. 

But anyway, you did it. There is so much more you have to do. Once again, you were told by people how you've influenced their life positively, and as far as achievements go, I feel like that one is really lit. 

Also, once again, most of your gifts were BTS related and everyone reminded you how trash you are for Jin, so like, find your chill. (jk I love how consistent you are)

I'm so happy for you because you also have really amazing friends. We're so lucky. 

Let's fly in 2018 as well. Don't give up. Don't be afraid. 

It's going to be a good day. 

u read that in Jin’s voice didn't u I see u 

( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)