How To Be Confused

Dear Upa,

                
              Tomorrow, I go back. I’m perhaps not the first person in the world to realise that time is the most uncooperative entity in the universe, and it passes painstakingly slow when you want it to pass by fast and passes by in a flash when you want it to stop forever. 
The past month and a half have been SO fun. Actually, scratch that, this whole year so far has been amazing. I know, it wasn’t the most ideal scenario, and we did have to write our boards and stuff, but this year has been the most eventful year of my life. I'm so grateful for the amazing people I have around me and that I will never have a valid reason to feel truly alone, even if I'm on the other side of the country. There was a lot of change, and I’m not even sure where I’ll be what time of the year, but I’ve found that I don’t mind a bit of spontaneity. For the first time in my entire life, I don’t mind not knowing. And that confuses me.
Contrary to what I had thought the day I came back here for the holidays, I am not a mess and I am not dreading the thought of going back to school. I am actually excited to meet new people. That, I believe, is a positive sign. It is quite possible that by next week I won’t feel the same, in fact I know that that’s going to happen, but for some reason I am content right now, and I don’t mind it.
No but seriously, half the year is ALREADY over. That’s retarded. In 6 months, 2015 will be over and it’ll be time for 2016. That’s CRAZY. I wonder what the rest of 2015 has in store for us, and if it’s going to be as eventful as it’s first half then I’m ready for it. Bring it on, 2015 part 2.

    I know I’ll be back for a few weekends in the future, but honestly, I miss you already.

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How To Die

Dear Aditi,
                I want. I want you. I want art supplies.  I want to watch that new Pixar movie, 'Inside Out.' I want a lot of things.  So much so that the word I want is everything I care about.
When I get one thing I immediately need something else. And this isn't only with materialistic stuff, though that is a large part of it. I wanted to impress my teachers, and when that was done I spent barely any time to be happy about it and made it my next mission to be the best in class. Not really going that well, but I'll get there. I hope.
Now I don't really find any fault in it, and I am not cribbing about it. This is the way I cope with my day. I make sure there is something to look forward everything, otherwise I would never be able to function and would slowly die.
Speaking of death, Van Gogh's death was quite amazing. He killed himself, which is not that amazing. But he was happy when he died, he accepted death- not as a release from life, but as a new journey. He also died in the arms of the person he loved the most, his brother. And I am not trying to romanticise his death, I just think that he knew the right way to go. A bullet to the chest, a slow death. But he greeted it, whilst smoking from his pipe. Like a boss.

Adieu.

Upa.

How To Wait

Dear Upa,
               
               I really want some chocolate. I'm in one of those moods where I need to eat chocolate for no particular reason, and while I'm writing this it's the middle of the night and I just want some and we don't have any so I'm going to have to acquire it somehow.
     We're always waiting for something. Always. It could be anything, like waiting for pizza, the next episode of Once, the next DanAndPhilGames video, for you to come over, for Buddy to stop barking, or for some chocolate. Anything. And the wait can get frustrating. When you're really excited about something that is slightly (or very) far away you can't do anything to make it better except wait helplessly, because one of the more important things that we can't control is time.
But what I've learned is that the wait is probably more enjoyable than the thing you're waiting for. The excitement, and the feeling of having a purpose and experiencing a plethora of emotions because you care so much about something is an amazing feeling to have. It's like, we keep waiting for important things to happen to us and without even realising it, life just happens. It happens between birthdays and phone calls and exams and everything that we think is important. And when we look back at life we don't think of that one birthday or that one episode of Once or that one thing that happened that one time. We look back at the time in between the bigger, bolder moments, the greyer areas between the brighter ones. Knowing that it's going to be dark soon is what makes us appreciate the light the Sun brings (metaphorically speaking, because I'm actually nocturnal).
           So yes, I REALLY want some chocolate, but I'm not going to complain about waiting till tomorrow to get some because when I finally eat it after waiting so long, it's going to taste a million times better.

or I'll probably just eat some Nutella lol

Bye for now,

Aditi. 

How To Life

Dear Aditi,
               You always know exactly what to say, and again- you were right. Are you ever going to bore of hearing that? Probably not.
Anyway, I shall give you a life update. You are here, and I have Parsons I can't see you as much as I want to. I really love Parsons, but I really love you too.
My college admissions are a headache, not the admission itself, but the parents who don't understand it and shout at you for not being in a college when the admissions haven't even started. Fun. I know.
I have also had a sole purpose to impress a certain teacher in Parsons. I managed it. I know, celebrate. I also managed to impress every other teacher, but he was the important one.
Also in Parsons, we had a group project. The group sucks. I am basically doing all the work- and it is still one of the best in class. Sorta. The teachers tell me that, that is how I impressed them.
Life is actually moving fast and it is fun.

May your swords stay sharp,

Upa.

How Not To Fit In

Dear Upa,
                
              You could not be more wrong. You are NOT a coward.
First of all, I don't think it is necessary at all for you to tell a bunch of strangers about your sexual orientation to have them remember you. Let's be honest, no straight person ever has to go up and say "I'm straight" to be remembered because that's what people automatically assume. Your preference for both genders is not the most memorable thing about you, trust me. You have much, much more to offer than that. You could blow them away with your amazing personality, and you do not need to put yourself in an uncomfortable position to feel recognised.
Also, I don't think being afraid of being different makes you a coward at all. It makes you human. It isn't your fault that we've been brought up in a heteronormative society that is the least tolerant thing on this planet. It crushes what it finds unfamiliar and would rather wallow in it's ignorance than celebrate the fact that the things that make us different are the most beautiful things about us.
So, don't for one second think that you're a coward for wanting to fit in. That's all of us. But I encourage you to understand that I think being able to love a person for who they are irrespective of their gender is beautiful. And there is so much love you have to offer. So maybe according to our Society's unrealistic expectations you are not normal, but so what? As Amazingphil had once said, "It's a good thing to be strange. Normalness leads to sadness."
And I am so glad you're happy.

The latter is something you REALLY don't have to worry about.

Bye for now,

Aditi. 

How To Be A Coward

Dear Aditi,
                You were right. I did make friends. And they are really good people. So, the course I am taking is suppose to be a journey of self discovery through art and design. It is as interesting as it sounds. 
So in the first class they asked us to introduce ourself and tell the class something about us that they don't know. I wanted to say I am bisexual, cause I knew that would be memorable enough for people to remember my name. But I am a bloody coward and didn't. Mostly because I didn't want my newly made friends to look at me any different. I was afraid to be judged and it is killing me from the inside because usually I am not that sort of a person.
On other news, you are so fucking important to me. I can't even comprehend how much you mean to me, we have shared so many memories and laughs and what not. Remember that when you get a boyfriend, I will be that person who will always bitch about him because I am extremely jealous of him. You are my rasmalai.

*waves hand like a child*

Upa.

How To Be Enough

Dear Upa,
             
                I think the concept of friends is really awesome. Friends put up with you with no obligation to do so, they're all like, "Hey human, I really like you in a platonic way, and there's nothing in it for me when I hang out with you except that I get to be around you, and that's enough." How amazing is that? Friends are really cool. They're like family that is not related by blood. And don't worry, people don't drift apart if they're tied together, and so nothing of that sort will ever happen to us.
So, by tomorrow, most of the people we know our age will have started going down their separate ways. I'm probably saying this for the thousandth and first time, but it is surreal. And exciting, sort of. Tomorrow your Parsons thing starts, and I am so excited for you. And don't worry about making new friends because you're not half as bad as you think you are at that. Just try not to look like you are going to kill someone if they annoy you and you're good to go.
I also just realised that we are 16, which means in an alternate universe we would probably be in our 6th year of Hogwarts or be fighting in the second Titan War as demigods or be going through Initiation in our respective factions or fall in love with some cool Senpai and become a dog or something cool like that. What I'm basically saying is that this is a time for adventure and not many such cool things have happened yet. Maybe our adventure begins soon!
I know that we won't be in the same city or whatever but I'll manage to include you in mine somehow, because you are you and there's nothing in it for me when we hang out except that I get to be around you, and honestly, that is enough.

#rasmalai #always #forever

Bye for now,

Aditi.

How To Make Sure You Stay

Dear Aditi,
                 I feel we always feel that way in the life we are living. We are always living in the moment and to us, that moment usually is exciting. I mean, even those moment where I am mindlessly scrolling through tumblr feel likely good moments at the time because it gives me certain amount of joy seeing half-assed jokes about memes and stuff. Of course, those tumblr moments are fleeting and don't last as long as the actual moments you create while traveling and being around people you love. 

Love, I feel is something I have always had around me. I was born into a loving family who had a difficult time conveying their feeling; but then so do I.  The problem was, being around people who were so awkward to show affection made me the same. And that made it difficult for me to make friends, or rather hold on to them. Before you, I had a total of 4 'best' friends. All of whom I have no idea where they are now. The first, I left behind when I shifted from Calcutta. The second, left me and changed her city. The third, went to Delhi (Yes, I know. The irony.) And the forth, well... we just drifted apart. And then I found you. And you have been there for me, and with me, since. We have had fallouts, but we have returned to each other. And you living in Delhi, did make me feel likely history repeating itself, but this time I am going to shove it in the face of the universe and not let that happen. I refuse to lose you. And I willing do everything possible to make sure that happens.

Adamant and in love,

Upa.