How to bLog

7.13 PM, March 26, 2018

I don’t know what happened. I was shitting myself for the longest time and trying (and failing) to keep it together, but today I’ve been feeling really optimistic and confident all of a sudden. 

I realised that the competition for gen sec is absolutely ridiculous and I just got 12.5 on 25 on a math test, and I’m not sad. I sacrificed the math test for my mental health. It wasn’t a stop, it was a pause. And now I’m going to kill it in my next paper because literally nothing is stopping me. 

As for gen sec, I can’t be sure of what’s going to happen, I just have to believe in myself. There’s a very good chance it won’t happen, but I wonder if I can get it if I really put my mind to it. 

11.38 PM, March 30, 2018

I’m not really sure what I’m doing. I never stopped to think, “Wow, I’m really doing this.” I don’t think I’m going to win just because I want it. I don’t think you really get things just by wanting them, no matter how much that’s what they want you to believe. I  think you have to legitimately work no matter how talented you are. Maybe the lack of talent will work in my favour, maybe it won’t. The thought of leaving everything and just reading fanfics is really tempting. Maybe I don’t need to think about it to know that I’m scared, because I am. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m scared. Maybe the whole thing is not that big a deal. Maybe it is. I don’t know because I haven’t stopped to think. 

9.08 PM, April 2 2018

Over the weekend I wondered if I should ask my parents if I can go for therapy. I mean I don’t know if im depressed or if I have anxiety, but I’ll never know if I don’t get someone with a lab coat to tell me. 

I don’t know why I’m mentioning this part here since it has nothing to do with the elections, and maybe it’s because a part of me thinks this note is never going to see the light of day since I’m only going to post it if I win, obviously. 

I think I’m posting it because at home, I got sad. At home I wondered why I was standing for elections at all and if it’s really what I want. But then I came to college and I see other contesters feeling intimidated by me or people referring to me as “gen sec” before the elections even take place, and some twisted part of me likes it. Loves it, even. It feels great to be taken seriously. 

And I know why I want to be gen sec. I love to win. 

It’s like validation, since it’s an election, because I’m not capable for doing that for myself no matter how much sometimes it feels like I can. I don’t know if it’s depression or anxiety, but if this is not what it would feel like, then I don’t know what would. 

6.02 PM-11.35 PM, April 3

a few things that were said to me today-

“i was reading a tale of two states

and at one point I was like fuck

aditi is too precious for this world”

“are you proud of me?”

“I really am. you work very hard. even if you don’t understand something, you don’t give up till you do, so I’m proud of you.”

“you know I would totally put flowers into your hair too :( if u weren’t so far :((“

“I wish I could vote for you even though I’m not in your college”

“Aye Projekt! Tell us where the best lighting is for the group photo”

“I hate kpop, but I got high tolerance for this girl. See you soon.”

“Ur an angel.”

“I am. Sometimes I’m a fairy also.”

“Replicated in the statue in bst”

“Ily🤞🏿

People were nice to you

They’re smart people”

i guess it’s just one of those days 

10.42 PM, April 4

I’m so screwed lol 

10.16 AM, April 6

I’m so scared but my dad just said he’s proud of me 

9.57 PM

I’m terrified. Absolutely terrified. I don’t want to lose. 

I’m incredibly proud that I pushed myself to do this, because this involved everything I’m terrified of. But I still did it. And it’s such a big deal, like I can feel how much of a big deal it is for me personally. I don’t know what’s going to happen on the 12th but right now, I’ve already won my personal battle. 

But that just makes the prospect of losing all the more scarier. I’ve sucked at stuff so many times by now that you’d think I’d be used to it, but the fact that this involved my biggest insecurities makes me even more vulnerable. 

I just.. I just hope. I just hope that if I lose, I can save myself from myself. 

4.12 am April 10

lmao my previous log was so embarrassing I’m fine now ok

Maybe it’s a good thing I’m documenting it because I’ll forget I felt that horrible too 

Anyway today was a good day I think and I’m really happy with myself 

Also I remembered that I joked about my GPA today, and I had no remorse when I did it 

I think that’s growth 

12.26 AM, April 13

So um,,,, I did it? 

It confuses me a little so I’m going to lay it all on the table. Less than one year ago I was too scared to talk to a single person in the department, and now I got 80/130 votes. I can’t understand myself. I got complex from people I beat. I had dinner with people I longed to be friends with. I think the present aditi is someone the past aditi would look up to, and that makes me content. 

The formal confrontation was absolutely terrifying so I don’t know why I had so much fun and stayed confident. This makes no sense.

But, I did it. I got it because I worked for it. 

There’s a lot still to do, so it’s time to get to work. 

Bye for now.

Aditi.