How to Scare The Future

Dear Upa,
      The future scares me.

My first post on this blog was about how I was undergoing an existential crisis about the past and how little it matters. As a matter of fact, I seem to have had amazing character development in almost a year, because I am going through one now as well, only this time, it’s about the future.

I mean, everything is serious business now. We don’t need to play at being grown up anymore, we literally are. I have one year to get my shit together and actually achieve something in life, one year that decides the rest of my life. Speaking of, I have absolutely no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. I know I’m not stupid, and I somehow manage to get okay marks compared to the minimal effort I put in, but I have no discipline and I don’t know how to work hard. I would do much better if I stopped being lazy and worked hard, and I genuinely have tried to do that so many times, but it seems like I am physically inept when it comes to having any self control. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m scared. Terrified. And it’s my fault, I know. I know what I have to do, so why in the world am I not doing it? And I don’t know what I want to do. Well, actually I do. I want to stay a child and not work and remain in the comfort of knowing what I have to do in the months before me, but sadly, that is not an option. I have to suck it up and deal with it, but I really don’t want to. I’m confused, and scared.

The future is terrifying. And it is here.

On the brighter side, not everything about the future is that sad, right? The future is when I get to be done with my finals. The future is when I get to go ice skating. The future is when I can probably eat some cake. The future is when I go to Singapore/Korea/Japan/London/whatever other place gets added to that list with you. 

I think out of the several flaws I pointed out in myself, the biggest is that I’m blaming the future for sucking, when I could just take control of the present to make the future not suck. It’s literally all up to me.

The future scares me, and I guess it’s time to scare the future.

Bye for now,

Aditi.