how to suck less

Dear Aditi,

So recently life sucks. Actually it's been sucking for a while now. And not in the good way. Have I mentioned I recently lost all my shame, because life is too short not to be a pervert. These are wise words by yours truly. Anyway, yeah so life is sucking. And it's not just for me, but I am not other people so I just know my side of the story.

I never really thought getting into a college would cause such problems. Like not getting in, yes that's bad. And when I didn't get into NID it really fucked me up. I had my English board paper the next day, which I scored 64% in. In English. A subject I'm suppose to be good in. So yeah, that was a thing that happened. And then when I got my results for NIFT, I wasn't happy at all. Although to be fair I wasn't particularly sad either, I did get into a really good college. But then my dad would have another reason not to send me to NAFA. But like I just figured he wouldn't do that, and boy was I wrong. How am I suppose to keep seeing the best in them, if all they do is let me down.

So now I need to convince my parents to let me do what I want even if it means I might end up poor. The problem is, that seems so inconceivable to do what you love instead of like being alive. I guess, being alive is important but I'm already dead inside.

Here is the thing, all the successful people I know did just that. But then there are also millions of people who did that and weren't successful, and right now I am in a point of time where the odds are not in my favour.

I only really have one option, and that is too fight for it. With the level head, and calm mind. Just do what I am good at and get there.

Something else I have been doing recently apart from crying has been writing. And it is quite strange writing so much, cause I am not a good writer. I think to be a writer you need be know emotions really well, and I can barely grasp what's in front of me much less the complexity of the human mind.

However, when the person you've been crushing on for months now asks you to write with her, you don't say know. Instead, you suck it up and write with her like the nerd you both are. And it resulted really well, we both bonded over rice and I call her daddy now. She also thinks I need jesus but at this point who doesn't think that. That's pretty cool.

I want something to do. Like something legit to do where I don't slowly lose my mind because the future in uncertain and I am finding happiness in a person who will never return feelings for me. That's really depressing but that's kind of what is happening these days. And I don't like it.

No one told me education was hard. No one told me I can't be allowed to do what I want to do. This is not what I signed up for, yet here I am.

sigh,

upa.