How to be Emotional

Dear Upa,

                We mean a lot to me. 

Okay, let me explain.  I was talking to one of our best friends on the phone yesterday, and we were talking about how much we mean to us.

Now, in the last four years, I've subconsciously modelled a large part of my personality after Dan Howell, which has resulted in me being a sarcastic, trash, extremely awkward human who is terrible at expressing emotions, does everything ironically and who also has an intense appreciation for memes. 

Basically, what I'm saying is that I'm quite horrific at expressing my emotions. Especially with the friend I was talking to yesterday because she is quite great at expressing hers and so my brain feels the need to balance it out by only insulting her ironically when she tells me how much she loves me. (That's just how our relationship is, I'm not a terrible person, promise.)

So anyway, we were talking about how we're both really bad at talking to new people. I don't know why, but it's something that we just can't bring ourselves to do. And she was talking about how proud she is of us for being able to make new friends anyway despite being socially inept. And I said, yeah, that is great and all, but sometimes, I get scared.

I get scared because I see people around me making friends when they're adults or even now and become so close, and I honestly don't understand how I'm supposed to make any friends now who mean as much to me as the ones I already have. I mean, how do I find people I feel so close to in every way, whom I love more than most things in the world and who I know love me too?

I mean it. I'm so unbelievably lucky to have you guys. How am I ever going to get this lucky again?

And she told me that she used to be afraid of the same things, but then she realised that it made no sense. 

She doesn't have to find people like that since she's already found them, and they're not going anywhere. And I realised that she's right, I don't need to look for something I already have. 

Needless to say, I'm not afraid anymore. 

Bye for now,

Aditi.