How to Love?

nebulous

ˈnɛbjʊləs/

(of a concept) vague, ill-defined.

Dear Upa,

A fanfic I read recently pointed out the difference between loving someone and falling in love with someone, and honestly, I was horrified. It made me realise something which wasn't exactly helpful to my already existential crisis-prone brain at all. 

...I have no idea what love is. 

And you know that, because we've discussed it on several occasions. No matter how I look at it, I don't understand what love is. 

I've always thought of myself as an awkward person. I don't show emotion at all (unless it's BTS related) and I can't let people know how much they mean to me. But even though I'm an awful excuse for a functioning human being, and I don't know what love is, I guess I do know what it feels like. 

It feels like being unable to say no to them at all because their happiness makes you feel weaker and stronger at the same time. It feels like being ready to stay up all night if it means you can help them pass an exam. It feels like looking for pictures of memories to spam someone with just because they feel like they have nothing to look forward to. It feels like looking up articles on how to get over people so that they don't hurt anymore. It feels like smiling for the first time in a day because of something dumb that person said. It feels like being exhausted but staying up anyway because talking to the person feels better. It feels like not knowing the first thing about how to take care of sick people but doing it anyway, for them. It feels like taking any opportunity to let that person sleep in because they haven't been sleeping much lately.  It feels like thinking of someone's smile to get through a horror movie. It feels like the sound of soft black paws padding across a tile floor. It feels like not having the heart to remove the Jesus stickers they put on your phone cover because it reminds you of them. 

Maybe somethings aren't meant to be understood, just felt. 

I don't know what it is to fall in love, I don't know what it is to love someone, and maybe I never will. But maybe that's not much of a problem.

Maybe some things are best left nebulous. 

Bye for now, 

Aditi.