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Dear Upa,

I think I’ve figured out what my problem is (one of them, at least). I think I care too much. 

I mean, I care exponentially less than I did till a while ago, but where it really matters, I care too much.

And caring isn’t really a bad thing if you aren’t as lazy as I am. But when you’re me, you care too much and do too little, and apart from being one of the most irritating things a person can ever do, it sucks because it usually results in disappointment.

I got an 8.45 SGPA and didn’t get best volunteer for the sponsorship team despite how much I cared about both those things, and that really stung. But then I realised that I didn’t, for one second, consider all of the things I learned in the process. All that mattered to me was the reward. 

I got a 10 in stats, and I wasn’t even sure if I was good enough to take it in the beginning of last sem. I raised 1 lakh and got us the associate sponsor. I learned so so much, and no one can take that away from me.

After spending most of my life only measuring life through academic success, I was used to just getting marks I didn’t even work as hard for. For the first time in my life, I’m not being awarded marks just by simply attempting the paper. For the first time I have to work hard to even understand what we’re learning in class, and for the first time, I care about things other than academics.

As someone who thought that academics was the only thing I ever had going for me, I’m learning that marks are only one of the many things that I definitely don’t have as together as I thought I did, and I’m also learning that that’s okay.

I’ve only ever worked for things if I was sure I would be awarded something for it, and that sucks.

Ever since I got my SGPA, I’ve stopped worrying. There is no way I’m not going to get marks in these 3 years because that’s not who I am, so I don’t need to worry about that. I’m interested in knowing more and caring less. I’m going to believe that it’ll lead somewhere. I’ll keep going.

Bye for now,

Aditi.