how to honour hixetapesus

Dear Upa,

I don’t know if I’m necessarily an optimistic person. I mean, in my head I’m most definitely not. But when I take into consideration all the posts I write, no matter how depressing the subject matter, the end is always, always abruptly hopeful.

I’m not entirely sure why I do that. Maybe I want to make the future Aditi feel better if she comes back to read these, or maybe it’s to simulate fake happiness to resemble to the real thing.

I’m not sad. I’m not content, either. I’m fine, with the occasional existential crisis that is pretty much routine by this point. 

One of the things that has always bothered me is a thought my brain only recently articulated- and it is that I’m a child. I’m 19 years old, which is supposed to be pretty old. Yet, there is so much I haven’t experienced and so much I’m not ready to. There is so much I haven’t even thought about, and so much I don’t want to think about. I can’t help but feel so different from most people my age, like there was some sort of introductory class that I missed. Maybe this is how everyone feels, I don’t know, but I’m really just a child and I don’t think I’m ready to grow up yet.

College, though, feels like a safe space. I don’t know how, but it feels like a home. I’m not sure how I ended up in a place that is my comfort zone while still pushing me out of my comfort zone, and while I’m happy for myself, I’m not sure if I should be.

I’m 19 years old and I don’t know what I’m good at. There are some places where I feel more confident than I do in others, where I find it easier to address a crowd, and I still haven’t figured out why that is.

Most things are a blur, and I’m just waiting for it to clear itself out. 

Anyway, I need you to feel happy. I know it’s not a switch that you can turn on and off and that I can’t just say everything is okay because it’s not, and that I can’t just ask you to simply be happy. But I am. 

You deserve to be happy, and that’s what you’re going to be. And I know I have no way of knowing it for sure. But- surprise- I’m hopeful.

Bye for now,

Aditi.