how to not let them down

Dear Upa,

Recently, I think I've unintentionally been spending a lot of time thinking about what kind of person I want to be. And I know that probably sounds a little random, but like most things in life, I'm pretty sure it stemmed from BTS. 

So, the thing is, I love BTS. They've been with me through the scariest and the only truly eventful years of my life, and while I agree that a part of it is probably shallow fangirling over how attractive and talented these boys are, I can't help but insist there is so much beyond that. 

Obviously, they're more talented, hardworking and successful than I'll ever be, so I never really understood why I found them so relatable. And this isn't the "omg same" Relatable™ we all feel when Yoongi chooses sleep over interacting with humans, it's the kind of "omg same" relatable when they bare themselves in front of us and tell us how they've been feeling internally. 

They're living their dream, but they're never constantly happy. I don't know them, I only know what they show us. But I know that they didn't start off where they are. They did things like locking themselves in the bathroom and crying or wondering what the future holds for them, and despite that, they didn't stop. 

They give me hope and make me feel like I'm not alone. They make me want to be better and aim for things I wouldn't think of aiming for. They make me realise what working hard means. Maybe, personally, that's why I'm so attached to them. They are the one constant thing to fall back on when things get too much, and I know that could sound ridiculous, but I also know you know what I mean. 

I wonder how they lived like that, when the future was so uncertain, and I wonder how they kept themselves working hard. 

I think that one day, that's the kind of person I want to be. 

Even if it means waking up at 5 or spending 12 hours in college, being constantly stressed out or trying to manage double the amount of work my classmates are, I want to keep pushing myself. 

Someday, I want to be the kind of person who works their hardest at whatever they do. I want to keep trying to be better because god knows there's a lot of scope. 

I don't know if that's how I'll become happy, but it doesn't matter, because happiness is quite impermanent. 

But I know that for now, being that kind of person, a person who does their best at whatever they do, is going to be one step towards maybe someday learning how to love myself. 

I can't afford to let BTS down. 

Bye for now, 

Aditi.