How To Pull Yourself Up

Dear Upa, 

                

              Yes, I am a HUGE hoarder. I don't know, I just don’t throw stuff out. Somethings just can’t be replaced. Sometimes you need something physical that you can hold and remind yourself of things that you want to remember. I mean it sucks that you don’t agree with your family on this matter, and if it really bothers you that much and you can’t do anything about it, just ignore it’s presence. Or break it. On second thought, don’t do that. Just pretend it doesn't exist. Or try appreciating it. Or don’t.                 

Anyway, sorry I am late. I was sick.

And by sick I mean really, really sick, so sick that I wondered if I remembered being sick to be that horrific. I mean, COME ON. I’m a kid. Being sick should be fun because I get to miss school and have an excuse to not do any work. But it was horrible. I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t read or use my phone or laptop because it made my eyes and head hurt. All I was able to do was sleep or lie around aimlessly thinking what my life has come to and about the amount of work I’m missing because I can’t function. 

So I took a week off from school, and had a test today that I was very prepared for. I was better over the weekend but felt sick again in the morning, dreading the idea of spending six hours sitting up in the sweltering heat in a building full of loud, obnoxious teenagers, but I told my self that enough was enough and that I need to suck it up and go to school and give the damn test.

And that worked out great for me- I fainted. And threw up. And because I hadn’t eaten anything all day I basically felt like I was coughing up my insides. I also missed the test. Fun.

Anyway, while I lay on a strangely comfortable bed in the sick bay at school, waiting to be picked up, listening to the nurse telling a seventh grade boy how to go to the toilet so that his stomach stops hurting (which made for a very pleasant ambience), I wondered if maybe sometimes I am too hard on myself. 

Do I expect too much from myself? Or do I not expect enough? Or is the fact that I feel like I don’t expect enough from myself a testimony to the fact that I do? I don’t know. I am my worst critic, I scrutinise everything I do and I guess I am the reason I have a major inferiority complex sometimes. I mean, can you ever really go higher at something if the thing pushing you down is you?

Anyway, I’m going to get my life back on track. I’m also going to try my best to give a retest for the one I missed. I guess I’m tired of looking up at the places I could be if I tried climbing. Maybe it’s time to give myself a hand and help myself up instead of looking down on myself from afar.

Bye for now,

Aditi.